


Her Secret To Bear

by GryffindorIzzy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Gryffindor Dom, Gryffindor Teddy, Gryffindor Vic, Hurt/Comfort, It's pretty dark, Molestation, Panic Attacks, Ravenclaw Louis, Sexual Assault, So much angst, Something's wrong with Vic and Teddy doesn't know what, Teddy and Vic are best friends, Victim Blaming, and then a little bit worse, and then maybe worse still, like it's going to get worse, self victim blaming, until finally it gets better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:32:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4554357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GryffindorIzzy/pseuds/GryffindorIzzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was strange for me, realizing that Dom and Lou actually wanted to be here. I knew then that I was the strange one. Most students felt like Hogwarts was their second home. Most didn’t experience what I did.</p><p>	Like every year since third, I felt horribly alone walking through those castle doors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> September 1st always rolls around, and it's always too soon.

            “ _Seriously_ , Mum, why’re so many people coming? It’s just us three and Teddy going to Hogwarts! We don’t need a bloody _entourage_.” Dom said, tossing her long mane of strawberry blond hair. She was the only one of us where the stubborn Weasley genes had managed to burst through, even a little bit, tainting the platinum blond Delacour color that Louis and I had gotten.

 

            She was also wrong. Technically Molly Weasley was also going to Hogwarts for her first year, I just doubted that we would be seeing her.

 

            Mum chuckled, bending down a little to readjust my owl’s cage, which had tipped precariously on the edge. I smiled in thanks.

 

            “Why are you so angry, Dominique? Eesn’t eet nice to ‘ave people ‘oo love you?” She asked, twisting her lips into her soft little smile. Her soft pink lip-gloss caught the light as we walked through the platform, shimmering. Around us, people were turning and staring, muggles walking into walls and each other. I blushed, looking down awkwardly, feeling vulnerable and exposed, though Dom—who was two years younger than me, mind you—only raised her head a little bit, smirking.

 

            My bloody thirteen-year-old sister was more confident than me.

 

            A sharp, painful spire of ice ran through my chest as I watched her soak up the attention of every passing person, like I was scared for her, like I wanted to protect her.

 

            Dom grumbled at Mum’s words.

 

            I glanced behind me, at Louis and Dad. Louis was nervous about his first trip to Hogwarts, and Dad was trying to ease his anxiety with goofy jokes and silly expressions. I gave a soft grin at the comforting sight. But passing muggles—their attention already drawn by the three squawking owls—barely managed to conceal their shock and revulsion at my father’s scars.

 

            My soft expression faded, falling into two thin, hard lines of stone that matched Dom’s face. Thank god Mum didn’t notice; that would have resulted in a lot of angry shouting in rapid French.

 

            We came upon Platform 9 ¾ then. With a quick look around to make sure no one was watching, we slipped into the brick walls. Between one blink and the next, we were on the other side, engulfed in steam and the hot air from the engine. Wizards and witches jostled around us, moving carts and trolleys and teary toddlers with them. A little pet rat scurried around the toe of my shoe, and someone behind me shrieked.

 

            I smiled.

 

            I did that a lot. Smiling, I mean. It was strange, when you think about it, because I wasn’t often happy in those days. It was just a reflex, a muscle I’d once overused but refused to fade away when the need for it did. I smiled at everyone, my parents and my siblings, even when I had nothing at all to smile about. And that was quite often.

 

            In fact, I think if you talked to any of my classmates, that would be the first thing they would all say; Victoire Weasley always has a smile.

 

            Okay. Maybe not the first thing. I knew all the guys would say something about my bloody Veela genes first.

 

            “Vic!” _Then_ , I did smile, grin, beam, at the voice of my best friend, Teddy Lupin. He was grinning from across the platform, the mist having disintegrated around his face. Even from here, I could tell that his eyes were the same ridiculous lime green that he’d had all bloody summer. Andromeda had made it very clear that she thought they were absolutely horrible, but Teddy was stubborn as his mum. At least, that’s what Andromeda always says. I think Teddy’s crazy metamorphing reminds his grandmum of her daughter, and exactly how angry could she get about that?

 

            We collided into each other, ignoring the laughter around us. To be perfectly honest, we had seen each other just yesterday in Diagon Alley, but best friends are always like this, aren’t they? Teddy raised me off my feet, and I screamed a little, my stomach flipping.

 

            “Put me down! Merlin’s beard, put me the bloody hell down, Teddy!” I laughed, and Teddy obliged, plopping me down ungracefully so I stumbled clumsily about. I had to grasp Teddy’s robes to keep from falling on my arse.

 

            “Bonjour, Teddy, eet’s nice to see you! How ees Andromeda?” Mum asked, grinning. Dad came up behind her, slipping his arms around her waist and giving Teddy a welcoming smile.

 

            “She’s fantastic. A little teary over my last year, but happy.” Teddy said, looping his arm over my shoulders. He was over a foot taller than me, and his arm was heavy. Dom gave us a strange look, before smirking and rolling her eyes. I didn’t know if the look made me want to scowl or ask her what it was all about. Then again, I knew I ought not to be bothered with it too much. Everyone in the family always gave Teddy and I strange looks, even before Hogwarts robes and books and yearly trips to Diagon Alley. No one ever gave me a straight answer when I asked, not even Dom, who’s possibly the most straightforward person I know.

 

            “Well where is she? She wouldn’t possibly miss your last trip on the Hogwarts Express.” Dad said, looking around for any sign of Andromeda Tonks. Teddy’s face fell—slightly, imperceptible to anyone but me, I was sure—at Dad’s words. I suppose the prospect of beginning the end was as fearful as it was exciting.

 

            Nobody knew it, but I would’ve given anything for it to be my last year of Hogwarts then. Not even Teddy knew, though I’m sure he speculated.

 

            “She’s here. Actually, she’s—”

 

            “Teddy! There you are! Theodore Lupin, how dare you run off on your Grandmum like that?” Andromeda called, though she wasn’t actually angry. She still gave Teddy a smack on the back of his head, though it was kind hearted and more out of affection than anything else. Behind her was Uncle Harry and most of the Weasleys. Aunt Ginny was holding the hand of little eight-year-old Lily, who was crying noisily.

 

            “I don’t want Teddy to leave! Mummy, why can’t Teddy stay?!” She begged, holding on to her mother’s hand while her long red hair stuck to her cherry cheeks, tears falling from her large brown eyes. Behind her, Al and James were fighting each other, bickering and pulling one another’s hair.

 

            Ginny looked utterly exhausted, and Harry’s face was ashen.

 

            The hold Teddy had over all of the Potter and Weasley kids was incredible. Just behind the crumbling Potters were Rose and Hugo, who were in similar stages of distress.

 

            It was almost laughable.

 

            “What’s with all the tears? Did someone die?” Teddy asked with false dramatics, kneeling down so that he was eye to eye with most of them. Lily was sniffling, and Rose was brushing away tears, more of a stoic than Lily Potter would ever be. Rose really was good at the whole concealing her emotions bit, so the tears truly spoke to how upset she was.

 

            “Look, I know you’re all sad about Vic leaving, but she’ll be back soon, I promise.” He went on, and I rolled my eyes, snickering audibly. It was a poor stab at a joke and only made the adults chuckle.

 

            “We don’t care about Vicky! We don’t want you to go, Teddy!” Lily shrieked, so loud that half the wizards turned to stare. Well, stare more openly. Everyone was already staring; they had just been trying to keep it on the down low. “Trying” being the key word.

 

            “Well, thank you for that.” I huffed, adding on the theatrics like Teddy. Al giggled through tears.

 

            “We don’t mean that, Vicky!” He sobbed, rushing forward to hug my waist. He was tall for a nine year old, always reminding me of my tiny height. I was only 5’1”, and it appeared I was going to be the perpetual short one. All the other Weasleys and Potters were quickly advancing on me.

 

            And suddenly all of the kids were crying on my legs, their grief diverted, if only for a short time. The adults were just shaking their heads at the odd scene before them. Off to the side, Lou and Dom were smirking at me. I shot them a dirty look.

 

            “Okay, Vic and Teddy will be late if you keep hanging on to them.” Uncle Harry warned, though no one paid him any mind until Teddy repeated the same thing.

 

            “’Ave a fantastic fifth year, Vic. Take good care of your sister and brother, _mon amour_.” Mum said as she gave me a firm squeeze. A tight hand curled around my guts, an uncomfortable jolt of homesickness making me feel suddenly heavy and fatigued by the whole process of leaving. I wasn’t even on the train, and already the dread was taking root, uncomfortable and so large, unfurling like an awakening demon in the pit of my stomach.

 

            I tried to hide the emotion from my face, smiling at my mother.

 

            “Of course, _maman_.” I promised with a tightlipped grin.

 

            “Write lots,” Dad called as the whistle sounded, ushering us onto the train. The engine’s rumbling was only slightly louder than the crying of all the kids. Dom and Lou hurried on behind us.

 

            “Bloody hell, they’re acting like they’ll never see us again.” Dom muttered irritably.

 

            “Hey, I distinctly remember you sobbing when I got on the train for my first year.” I reminded her with a devilish smirk. Dom liked to pretend that other people had no bearing on her personality or actions.

 

            She glared.

 

            “And I also distinctly remember you _wailing_ when Teddy left without you. For three nights. I never got any sleep.” She returned, and I opened my mouth with the thought of a retort on the tip of my tongue. But, really, I had nothing left to stand on. Lou snickered and Teddy gave me an odd look.

 

            “You cried for three nights after I left?” He clarified with a curious expression. I blushed positively scarlet under his look, and tried not to let my own expression betray anything, though I couldn’t think of anything it _would_ betray.

 

            “Yeah…I’m sure you knew that. Surely someone told you.” I muttered, letting my eyes fall to the carpet at his feet, taking a step forward to remind everyone to keep on moving.

 

            “Nope. I never knew.” Teddy answered behind me, a questioning note in his tone that I chose not to answer.

 

            “Anyway. Where do you all want to sit?”

**__ **

**__ **

A very long train ride and carriage ride later, we finally arrived at the castle. Lou had taken the boats—looking very green as he did so—which left just Dom, Teddy, and me trudging out of the carriages and through the castle doors. Those two smiled as they crossed the threshold, taking in a deep breath and looking almost…relieved. It was strange for me, realizing that they actually wanted to be here. I knew then that _I_ was the strange one. _Most_ students felt like Hogwarts was their second home. Most didn’t experience what I did.

 

            Like every year since third, I felt horribly alone walking through those castle doors.

 

            When we got to the tables, Dom and I neatly and wordlessly split. She sauntered off to her third year friends, and I walked with Teddy to our mix of fifth and seventh year friends. For both Teddy and I, these were strictly school friends. It wasn’t like we ever officially decided it, it just happened. We depended on each other more than anyone else, and it’s kind of hard to keep up other relationships with that attitude.

 

            “Vic! Ted! Hey! How was your summer vacation?” Mara asked me as I slid in next to her. She was in my year, with beautiful dark hair and endlessly big, deep chocolate eyes. She was also always grinning a perfectly genuine grin. Out of all of my school friends, she was the one I was closest to.

 

            “Good. Fairly typical, honestly.” I answered without enthusiasm. Mara’s smile faltered.

 

            “Are you okay, Vic?” She asked worriedly. I remembered—with bitter nostalgia—when that question made me so horribly nervous, so anxious to find the right way to answer it. But I was far better at it now. I pulled my weary smile out from my pocket of masks and pasted it onto my face, hoping the ends didn’t droop down.

 

            “It’s just the train and the carriage. I get sick, don’t you remember?” I reminded her. It was the same story I’d come up with in fourth year, the first year that the dread picked up. Mara nodded, taking the story in with little thought.

 

            “Sorry, I completely spaced. Do you think you’ll be able to eat?” She asked with concern. I had just enough time to give her a false nod and reassuring smile before the doors at the end of the hall opened up, letting in a steady stream of first years. I searched for Lou.

 

            “There,” Teddy whispered, leaning over me and pointing. I followed his finger to the still green face of Lou, slowly stumbling in the middle of the pack.

 

            “That’s right,” Sophia said from across the table. She was a seventh year friend.

 

            “You’re brother’s a first year. Christ, he looks just like you.” She added with a low chuckle.

 

            “Genetics tend to do that.” I muttered, only loud enough for Teddy to hear. He laughed softly in my ear. The air tickled my neck, a very pleasant feeling that tingled throughout me, spreading like wildfire. A true little smile ghosted across my lips.

 

            The first years gathered at the base of the stairs. Professor Longbottom placed the ancient Sorting Hat on the chair, and stepped back. The first few seconds of waiting were filled with a very pregnant silence, where my eyes wandered from the still nauseous Lou to the dusty brown hat, and up to the long table where the teachers sat. I didn’t mean to—I really, really didn’t—but my wandering eyes slipped down the row of faces to _his_. He was staring at me, staring Teddy’s arm wrapped around my shoulders, staring at the lack of space between us, staring at _me_.

 

            He held my gaze for a very long time. Long enough that I didn’t even notice the Hat start singing, or Professor Longbottom start calling names, or the loud clapping that came from each table as another student was added to their house. My stomach was swirling, spinning, my lungs frozen, my heart stubbornly refusing to beat. Absently, I felt my mouth fall open, so I looked like a stupid fish, trying and failing to bring in air.

 

            He smiled at me, and my body imploded with nerves. The demon of dread in my stomach was absolutely horrible.

 

            “Vic? Vic? Victoire Weasley, are you even paying attention to your brother’s sorting?” I jumped, startled so thoroughly that my knees thudded against the table. I cursed silently at the pain.

 

            “What?” I asked. People were clapping loudly, and I realized that not only was the song over, but the sorting, too. I tried to subtly scan the room for my brother’s face. I can’t believe I missed my own brother’s sorting. Shame layered itself, thick and horrible, over my mind. What sister misses her own little brother’s sorting?

 

            Teddy was giving me a strange, concerned look. _No, no, no_ , I thought to myself. _Teddy can’t know. I’ve made it two years without him knowing, I can do another_.

 

            “Lou was sorted into Ravenclaw. You really didn’t notice?” He asked. Guiltily, I shook my head, trying to appear unconcerned. Heartless was better than honest.

 

            “I suppose I didn’t. The, erm, travel sickness must still be getting to me.” I said, wildly pulling words out of the air to suit my need. Everyone else seemed to accept this explanation, turning to their plates and the suddenly present food. I, too, tried to keep up with the idea that it didn’t matter, that I was just a little lost. I slowly filled my plate with little bits of food, trying to mush it around so that it looked like I was eating more than I was.

 

            But out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Teddy didn’t believe me.

 

            _Shit._

 

            “Are you really okay, Vic? There’s something…odd about you.” Teddy whispered in my ear. His breath tickled my shoulder, and I wanted to giggle or shudder with pleasure, though the nonverbal exchange from before was still fresh in my memory. I could feel _his_ eyes on me.

 

            I forced a laugh to cover my tracks.

 

            “I’m perfectly fine, Teddy. Honest.” _Lies, lies, lies._

 

 

 

Mara was chattering in my ear as I walked through the castle after dinner. I couldn’t hear her very well over the din, but I also wasn’t trying very hard. The first night was always like this, a dizzy mirage of dread and unhappiness and absolute misery over the year ahead. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to go to Hogwarts. It wasn’t just the classes. It was everything.

            I glanced over to Teddy. He was next to me, absorbed in his group of friends. I couldn’t hear very much, just bits and pieces of what sounded like a very sentimental conversation about their last year. They didn’t want to leave, or at least they didn’t want their final year to end.

            It was weird how I kept having to remind myself that my Hogwarts experience was not typical.

 

            “Bloody hell girl,” Mara said, suddenly loud enough to be heard easily. I looked up, realizing that we were in the Gryffindor common room, and that the huge crowd of students around us had abruptly shrunk. Wow, my mind was not with me today.

 

            “You must be feeling really bad. Can’t remember the last time you were this distracted.” She said with a laugh. For a moment, a wave of hatred washed over me for Mara. I was sure she thought of me as one of her closest friends, and she possibly thought the feeling was mutual. But there she was, actually believing my shitty lie. Travel sickness? Even I knew that was a load of bull.

 

            _But would you really want her to know the truth?_ A little piece of me whispered.

 

            _No. No, not at all._ I admitted silently to myself.

 

            “Yeah, I’m pretty beat. I’m just going to go to bed.” I told her, trying to look convincingly tired. Truth was, I was actually too wired to sleep, too filled with nervous energy. Every time I thought about the next day, my heart jumped into my throat and I couldn’t breathe. But I also couldn’t _not_ think of it.

 

            Mara nodded and bid me good night. I turned to find Teddy right there, having heard the conversation.

 

            “So, um, I’m just going to go up then. Night,” I said, leaning in for a goodnight hug. He obliged, wrapping his arms around me, possibly a little tighter than what was usual.

 

            “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Teddy reminded me when we broke apart. I looked up into his eyes, and noticed, startlingly, that they were no longer those stupid lime green ones, but a very soft shade of brown and gold mixed together to create the most incredible color I’d ever seen. I’d never been one to call myself an artist—Teddy often did, the few times he saw my sketches—but looking at that shade made my fingers yearn for paint, so maybe—just, just maybe—I could attempt to capture it, and use it.

 

            “Uh, of course I do, Teddy.” I mumbled.

 

            “I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow.” I called, before I up and gave myself away. Teddy had that effect on me.

**__ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the first chapter was intriguing for you! I have a lot planned for this story :D Don't forget to comment!


	2. Tori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It was a long summer without you, Tori. I missed you.” My knees shook so badly I was sure it was visible, rattling each step as I slowly—ever so slowly—walked up to him. Tori. Mum used to call me that all the time, when I was younger. At one time, the name meant summer and skinned knees and laughter. But now it meant tears and pain and I hated it almost as much as I hated myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, fair warning, this is a rather dark chapter. You have been warned.

            “Vic? Vic, c’mon! Victoire Weasley, get your arse out of bed! It’s time to go!” Mara had been yelling outside the curtains of my bed for a very long time, trying to rip the charmed things open for at least the past half hour. She wasn’t very good at taking a hint.

 

            “Bloody hell, Mara. _Go away_.” I muttered. She just laughed.

 

            “It’s 8:25, Vic! Breakfast ends at 8:45 and classes start at 9! Do you really want to be late?” _Yes. Very, very late. So late I miss all of my classes and wake up in summer._

 

            “Just, go to breakfast. I’m still a little sick. I’ll see you in class!” I shouted back.

 

            “We’ll levitate Teddy up here!” Mara warned, happily singing.

 

            “He’ll blast your curtains to smithereens.” She reminded lightly. I heard about three other giggles from the girls in the room, and scowled, feeling decidedly cornered, even without seeing anyone’s face.

 

            “Two minutes, Vic, or I’m getting Teddy!” Mara said, shuffling around outside the darkness of my bed.

            “Oh sod _off_.” I hissed, only to Mara’s increased amusement. Christ, did no one actually take me seriously? I actually meant it. I wanted Mara to just sod _off_ and get away from me so I could sleep for seven years.

 

            There was a merciful gap of silence where my eyes wandered shut again and sweet relaxation coated my limbs. I sighed happily, pretending that when I opened my eyes, I would be back home, in my bed.

 

            _BANG!_ I screamed, covering my ears as my eyes flew open, sunlight burning my irises.

 

            “What the _bloody hell just happened_?!” I screamed, my vision taking time to come into focus. My ears were buzzing from the sudden burst of sound, but over that buzz, I heard pointed laughter and a very smug snicker. I took my hands away from my ears to rub my eyes, and there, standing above me, was bloody Teddy Lupin, standing among the shredded remains of my curtains. He’d turned his hair bubble gum pink for the occasion, and his nose was piggy. It was the face he’d seen from photos of his mum years ago, and one that had become a sort of…private joke between us. It was the one face that always made the both of us giggle, and could turn tears into raucous laughter.

 

            And damn it if it didn’t work this time.

 

            My anger melted—slowly, but surely—as I glared up at him. I let a reluctant gaggle of giggles pass my lips, before I hurriedly rearranged my features into the darkest glare I could possibly manage.

 

            “Curse you, Teddy! And how on earth did Mara get you up here? You’re balance is _not_ good enough to get up over the slide.” I said, slowly sitting up. I didn’t feel the least bit self-conscious in my huge shirt, because Teddy had seen me in my pajamas countless times.

 

            “Didn’t you hear Mara’s threat? She levitated me. Now, c’mon, up you go!” Teddy said, pushing and prodding me. When I refused to do anything other than glare, however, he picked me up without a second thought, tossing me over his shoulder and carrying me to the bathroom.

 

            “WHAT ARE YOU—oomph—DOING? TEDDY, PUT—ME—DOWN!” I shrieked, beating his back with my fists. He shoved me into the bathroom, and locked the door behind him. I didn’t have my wand.

 

            “Seriously, though, what in Merlin’s beard are you doing?” I demanded, pounding now against the door. A second later, clothes were shoved inside the room, and the door slammed shut again.

 

            “Change into those! I won’t let you out till you do!” Teddy shouted.

 

            I sighed bitterly, and reluctantly pulled the clothes up over my head.

 

 

 

The day was going as well as I thought it would. Which was to say, not at all. Each and every class, the teachers talked on and on about the rigorous expectations for the OWLs, and how we ought to be studying every night to get good scores. And all the while, my fingers were clammy, my stomach uncertain enough that I wished I’d eaten something more worthwhile than toast, and every piece of me was jittery and strange, like I’d downed a dozen coffees.

 

The demon of dread in my stomach reared its ugly head. I’d only gone through three classes, but it felt like more, and still my fourth one loomed, large and horrible, before me. Charms. The bell rang, ending third period, so the halls filled with the sound of scraping chairs and talking students. My tongue was pasted to the roof of my mouth, my lungs all stutter-y and weak, my bones tired, dragging me down to the floor. I was walking just behind Mara, who was blabbering on and on about how excited she was for Charms. It was her best subject, her favorite class, and Professor Briar was her favorite teacher.

 

            _There’s another reason why you shouldn’t say anything. Who’d believe you?_ I thought to myself, silently trudging.

 

            I did that a lot, the listing. Sometimes at night, when I’d curl up in my bed and consider telling someone, I’d list the reasons it was a bad idea, until the ridiculous notion had faded away. I counted the reasons instead of sheep when sleep evaded me, which was quite often.

 

            “This will be an awesome year. I mean, I know it’s OWL year, and _that’ll_ bloody suck, but I can’t wait to just be in Professor Briar’s class again. He’s just so dreamy, don’t you think? Vic? Vic?” I started as I nearly ran into Mara, backing up and muttering a quick apology. But Mara was staring at me, an eyebrow raised questioningly.

 

            “Did you hear me, Vic?”

 

            “What? No, sorry. What did you say?” I asked, stepping back.

 

            “Don’t you think he’s dreamy?” Mara said again, turning to keep walking to Charms. My stomach twisted into a bed of knotted snakes that hissed and bit at my insides.

 

            “Oh, ah, yeah, I guess.” I answered quickly, pointedly not keeping eye contact. Mara snickered.

 

            “‘I guess’? Seriously? You’re his favorite, and yet you don’t see it? Oh, well, you’re just too mad over Teddy to care about him, I suppose.” Mara said nonchalantly. I was so surprised that I paused in my steps, surprised enough that my stomach didn’t twitch at Mara’s inference.

 

            “What are you going on about? I am not ‘mad over Teddy’!” I hated how indignant my voice sounded in that moment, but Mara only laughed, and loudly. I scowled at her back, but said nothing else, since convincing Mara of an opinion other than hers was a frightful thing to do.

 

            We got to Charms and took our seats. Thankfully, Mara was okay sitting in the back; apparently that gave her a better chance of ogling Professor Briar without being caught.

 

            It was a fairly big class, which I took comfort in. He was a popular teacher, both for his looks and for his personality, being a young charismatic wizard that caught the respect and admiration—and often, such as with Mara, the ogling eyes—of the entire school.

 

            But the demon in my stomach was standing taller and taller, spreading its wings to span across my insides. My breathing felt shallow, my hearing off, and my head began to ache with the anxiety. This classroom, these walls, were closing in on me.

 

            I hated this room.

 

            “Good morning—is it morning? Merlin’s beard, it feels like the afternoon. How was your summer?” Professor Briar called as he strode into the room, confident as ever and with that bloody smile so wide it nearly split his face in two. There was an audible sigh from the girl population in the room. Mara giggled. My throat tightened. Professor Briar’s eyes roved across the classroom, landing on me. It was only for a quick second, a passing glance unnoticed by everyone else, just long enough for him to give me the barest wink, for my insides to melt into acid.

 

            “Okay, now, let’s get to it. Charms OWL’s coming up at the end of the year, and you lot have got to be ready.” He went on, rubbing his hands together. And for the next hour, he went over the deadlines we’d be running into for that year, something that would typically be painfully boring. But Professor Briar was just so bloody charismatic that everyone was entrapped in his words, laughing at his seemingly impromptu jokes that were timed _just so_.

 

            “So, it’ll be a busy year, but I’ll do my best to make it fun.” Professor Briar concluded, clapping once and smiling, before running a soft looking palm through his tousled black hair, so all the girls sighed happily again, and all the guys catalogued the move for future reference.

 

           “Now, we have, what, five or so minutes left till lunch?” He went on, peering around for a clock. My gut trembled, while everyone around me tensed with excitement. Professor Briar was famous for letting kids out a few minutes early, especially when lunch was next. They just didn’t know what happened in those spare five minutes between classes.

 

            “It’s thirty minutes, Professor.” A boy called out, loud and overly happy to be able to answer the question. Faces around me started to swim across my vision, peach and tan and white and brown colors all spilling and spinning into each other so I couldn’t pick them apart. Thirty minutes? Surely not.

 

            _Please,_ I thought, _please let him be wrong!_

“Blimey, you’re right, Thomas. Thirty minutes it is. Well, you lot won’t cause any trouble out in the halls and tarnish the good Briar name, will you? Go on, get.” He said with a toothy grin and a wave of his hands. Excited shouts of thanks swept up around the room, along with the quick slapping of books and papers as everyone but me shoved their things together, as if scared that he would change his mind. But I couldn’t move. I was rooted to the spot, my arms glued to the table, my feet stuck to the ground as if they were nailed to the stone.

 

            “Oh, Victoire, would you mind staying after class for a bit? It won’t take long.” Beside me, Mara giggled and gave me a faux-jealous shove.

 

            “Have fun,” she snickered at me before rushing out of the classroom with the rest of the fifth years, so quick I could barely even think to call out for help.

 

            The heavy doors slammed shut with a loud and resounding _thud_ , dowsing us in a silence like cold water, the sound of my classmates suddenly cut off.

 

            I swallowed.

 

            My throat was dry.

 

            My tongue felt like sandpaper.

 

            Professor Briar smiled from the front of the room and opened his arms wide.

 

            “C’mon up here. I need a hug. It was a long summer without you, Tori. I missed you.” My knees shook so badly I was sure it was visible, rattling each step as I slowly—ever so slowly—walked up to him. _Tori._ Mum used to call me that all the time, when I was younger. At one time, the name meant summer and skinned knees and laughter. But now it meant tears and pain and I hated it almost as much as I hated myself.

 

            “How was your vacation, darling?” He asked as I reached him, reaching out to pull me across the last few feet that separated us. The breath _whooshed_ out of me, fast and quick, when my cheek hit the soft fabric of his dress shirt. His arms were strong as iron bars, and that was what they felt like—iron bars that held me in a cage.

 

            “G—good.” I muttered, too scared to say anything specific. My summer had been full of long hours on the beach at Shell Cottage with Teddy, and Professor Briar hated Teddy.

 

            He traced a long, slow hand down my back, down, down, down, and I felt every single muscle in me tense up so badly that it hurt.

 

            “It wasn’t _that_ good, though, was it? Cuz you missed me? Right?” He asked, and his voice was almost soft, if malevolence wasn’t hiding in each syllable like razorblades in Halloween candy. His hands had moved, so one lingered at the top of my thigh while the other was tracing my collarbone. But with each second that passed without an answer, his hands got heavier and braver, until my lungs felt blocked up with tear-soaked tissues, and my throat strangled by a noose.

 

            “You missed me, didn’t you? Didn’t you, Tori?” His words, too, got darker and darker, so my heart stuttered and my tongue felt heavy has steel.

 

            “Didn’t you miss me, Tori, love?” One hand had slipped into the waist of my jeans then, beneath my robe, and the shock of his hand on my clammy skin was like electricity that shot the words right out of me.

 

            “Y—yes. Yes. I—I missed you. A lot. Professor.” I said, quick and light as a feather, the words stutter-y and unsure as they tripped past my numb lips.

 

            “You don’t have to call me Professor here, Tori. Say my name, please. I’ve been waiting all summer to hear you say it.” One lone tear snaked down my cheek, and my throat felt choked.

 

            “Bra—Bradley. I—I missed you, Bradley.” I whispered.

 

            And then he kissed me, and his lips felt like sandpaper and tasted like chalk, and he kept kissing and pushing so I felt certain that my lips would be bruised.

 

            He pulled apart, then, placing a hand on my shoulder.

 

            And maybe it would’ve ended there, if it had been five minutes to lunch instead of thirty.


	3. Coward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t breathe. It was just a thought, a quick, fleeting thought, as I sat crouched in an empty stretch of the corridor outside of the Great Hall.
> 
> I
> 
> Can’t
> 
> Breathe.

           I managed to get back after a shower with ten minutes of lunch to spare, my hair freshly dried thanks to a quick heating charm. I didn’t usually take showers—I couldn’t take one after every Professor Briar incident without inciting suspicion—but today…Maybe it was just because it was the first day, but I needed it.

 

 _Stop thinking about it, Vic._ I thought harshly as I hurried through the Great Hall.

 

            _If you keep thinking about it, you’ll fall apart._

 

            “Vic! Over here!” I jumped, so startled that my bones rattled in their sockets, my muscles pulled taut. Teddy was waving his hands furiously to get my attention, and he was changing his hair for good measure, from his typical turquoise blue to a long mane of lime green, to buzzed bubble-gum pink, to purple curlicues, and back to blue again.

 

            Despite my black mood and, well, _everything_ , I smiled, and I laughed, quickening my pace to get to him.

 

            “Where were you? There’s only a few minutes left.” Teddy asked, scooting down to make room for me. I took the seat, for once not minding that someone else was touching me. Our legs were aligned, pressed up next to each other from hip to toe.

 

            “She was with Professor Briar.” Mara said, all sing-songy and giggly. My stomach dropped and my cheeks reddened. The girls around me snickered, and Mara gave a playful shove. My skin tensed, and bile rose in my throat, and I wished Mara could be a little less Mara-ish.

 

            “What? You were with Professor Briar all that time?” Teddy asked, an odd note to his voice. Concern? Jealousy? I wasn’t sure.

 

            “No, no, Mara’s just, uh, exaggerating. He kept me a little after class to, uh, to, um—” _Bloody hell, THINK, Vic!_ I thought frantically, suddenly nervous and stricken with terror. _Think, think, think, come up with an excuse!_

“Talk about Louis.” I said quickly, wildly latching onto the first excuse I could think of.

 

            “Oh? Why? Is something wrong?” Teddy asked, and even Mara looked concerned.

 

            _Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea._

 

            “Something’s wrong with Louis?” I started again, turning to see Dom standing above me, giving me an inquisitive look. For all her acting as if no other person had a hold over her, Dom was fiercely loyal over our family.

 

            _Shit._

“Uh, no, no, Professor Briar just kept me a little after class because he had Louis earlier, and he was looking down.”

 

            “Really?” Dom pressed, and I tried to make eye contact to seem if only slightly convincing. It was hard enough for me to hold eye contact, harder still when I was lying, and hardest when the person I was lying to was Dom or Teddy.

 

            “He seemed fine this morning.” Dom went on, shooting a look toward the Ravenclaw table where Louis sat, chatting happily. Her eyes were sharp and intelligent, searching for even one crack in Louis’s obviously happy face.

 

            My lie felt horribly, frightfully thin just then.

 

            “That couldn’t’ve taken up that whole time you were gone. You’re not lying to us, are you, Vic? Not hiding some secret boy, are you?” Mara asked, cocking an eyebrow in a way that could only be described as _saucily_ , the tip of her tongue teasing the edges of her lips.

 

            My gut continued to tighten, twisting and twisting and twisting.

 

            “I bet she is. Can’t trust those Veela genes, can ya?” One of Teddy’s friends, some boy who’s name I think was Greg, sniggered. My cheeks blushed a violent shade of red, and I gave him the darkest glare I could, the one I learned from my mother and Aunt Ginny.

 

            “Yeah, I’d put ten galleons down that she wasn’t just _talking_ to Professor Briar, heh!” Greg continued, his words loud and so, so brash, full of sharp edges so they got tangled in my ears, cutting and scratching, so they stuck in my head, barbed wire that left scars. He was giving the table a wide, toothy grin,

 

            Faintly, I was aware of Dom shouting something, her arm whipping out of her pocket, just as Teddy stood up, anger running through the stiff line of his shoulders.

 

            “And just what the bloody hell are you accusing Vic of, knacker?” Teddy shouted just as Dom cursed him, and suddenly the room was filled with the shouts of an agonized Greg and shouting teachers and Teddy who threatened and threatened and threatened, and my head felt like it was full to breaking point, and someone was laughing, and I wanted to cry, and _overload overload overload_.

 

            I don’t remember making any conscious decision, I just ran out of the Great Hall, a frightened fragile doe taking flight from the big bad wolf. I felt weak and stupid, just a little girl who couldn’t handle the schoolyard bully, who couldn’t do shit for herself, who relied on everyone around her to hold her together. Again and again, I heard Dom and Teddy yelling, and again and again, I saw them leaping to my defense, saw Mara’s face twisting to a look of disgust, while I just sat there on the bench and said nothing nothing nothing.

 

            _I can’t breathe._ It was just a thought, a quick, fleeting thought, as I sat crouched in an empty stretch of the corridor outside of the Great Hall.

 

            _I_

_Can’t_

_Breathe._

My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest, and my head felt light and fuzzy, blurred like a bad picture, my ears filled with the noise of fighting and intervening teachers in the next room.

 

            _Is this a panic attack?_ I thought, a hand clenching my chest as I choked and gasped and coughed and sputtered, my body shaking and starving like all the usable air had been sucked out.

 

            Hands. I was suddenly aware of hands, on my shoulders, running down my arms, but my vision was covered in blurry black dots, and I couldn’t see a single thing.

 

            _Who? What? Stop—_

“Shh, shh, it’s okay Tori.” Professor Briar said, his words slow, gentle, and I automatically felt so sick that I leaned over and retched, though there was nothing to throw up because I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and even then it was only dry, unbuttered toast.

 

            “It’s okay, you’re okay.” He went on, an uncomfortable lullaby that did nothing to calm my panic attack. It only brought on tears, only made me start to cry and sob because I was in his arms and I couldn’t move and I still couldn’t breathe and oh, God, am I going to pass out, here, next to this man?

 

            His hands were rubbing my back. The shower I had taken not long ago already felt entirely wasted.

 

            “Okay—I’m okay, I’m, uh, fine.” I forced the words out around panicked coughs as I tried to ignore the nausea still threatening my stomach. I tried to stand, hoping I could trust my legs, at least long enough to get away.

 

            “Don’t try to stand, darling, you’ll fall over.” Professor Briar said, his hands still holding my arms, terribly close. I could feel his breath on my skin.

 

            “Ms. Weasley! Professor Briar! Is everyone alright here?” I closed my eyes for a moment, a sudden thrill of relief shooting through me at the sound of Professor McGonagall’s voice. The 79-year-old Headmistress was striding toward us, her lips twisted like she had just tasted something sour. Professor Briar abruptly added several feet of space between us, though he didn’t let go of me. My knees shook, but my feet were finally under me.

 

            “Ms. Weasley just fainted, and I was helping her to the hospital wing.” Professor Briar said, smooth and quick, though I thought I heard a slight tremor in his voice. I hated myself just a bit more when I realized I knew his normal voice enough to notice that slight tremor.

 

            “Yes, well, let me go ahead and take her. Your assistance is needed in the Great Hall, Professor.” McGonagall said, her voice oddly icy. I couldn’t pay too much attention, though, because I still couldn’t fucking _breathe_.

 

            “Ms. Weasley, are you alright? What happened, exactly?” McGonagall asked once Professor Briar had walked away. She had a very firm, reassuring grip on my upper arm that helped to keep me upright as she marched me to the hospital wing.

 

            “I—I don’t know. It just—Greg, he said something stupid, and then Teddy and Dom, they just… _reacted_ , and…it was just too much, I had to get out, and then I couldn’t breathe, and…” I trailed off, slightly surprised by how much I had said. I was steadily finding it easier to breathe, though my heart was still pounding and everything felt weak and fragile.

 

            “And Professor Briar? He was just…” Professor McGonagall trailed off, waiting for me to finish the sentence. I stumbled for a moment. This was a chance. McGonagall was giving me a chance to say something, to speak up.

 

            This happened every so often. Mum would give me an odd look when I was having a bad day, or Dad would frown when I managed to avoid hugging him, or Lou and Dom would give me their patented I-am-looking-into-your-soul stares. And then they would all say some variation of those three words, “Are you okay?”

 

            And I would feel the words behind my tongue, waiting to be released. _No, I’m not okay, Professor Briar has been molesting me since third year and I’m not okay at all._ But the doubt and the fear was always bigger than the desire to tell the truth, and so I’d pull out one of my smiles—the reassuring one, sweet and gentle and just happy enough to ease their worry—and say, “no, I’m alright, just tired is all.”

 

            It was always hardest, though, when Teddy asked me. I always wanted to tell him.

 

            “Ms. Weasley?” McGonagall prompted. We were almost to the hospital wing now, and the fear rose up suddenly, so I knew I wouldn’t tell.

 

            “He was just helping me up. He saw me run out and then collapse. He was just being helpful.”

 

            _Coward. You are such a coward._


	4. Couldn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please, Teddy, just let—let go of me, please!” And now panic was tinting my voice, because Teddy’s grip was tight and he wasn’t letting go and all I could think of were hands on me, hands that held and wouldn’t let go and the tears were quickly turning into sobs. Then Teddy did let go, with very wide eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter, which is why I'll be adding another one too!  
> Also I'm sorry for the chapter title. I am godawful at titles of any sort.

            One hour later, I was resting in my favorite chair in the Gryffindor common room, enjoying the heat from the fire and feeling pleasantly relaxed. Madam Pomfrey had given me a calming elixir and excused me from the rest of my classes that day. And after my second shower, I really did feel quite nice. And since there was no one else here, I didn’t feel like I had to be on guard.

 

            Until the portrait swung open approximately thirty seconds later.

 

            I started, sitting up abruptly and twisting so violently that my spine cracked. It was Teddy, his eyes roving over the common room like he was looking for someone. Me, apparently, as he ran over the moment his eyes found me.

 

            “Vic, there you are! I’ve been looking all over the bloody castle for you! What happened after the whole Great Hall…thing?” He asked, plopping himself down on the armchair. I closed my eyes to avoid meeting his questioning gaze, and let my head fall against his leg. It was comforting, the contact, though I couldn’t put my finger on why. But that’s how it always was with Teddy. I’d stopped asking myself why years ago.

 

            “I just…um, I, well I wanted to get away form Greg, the prat, but when I got out to the hall, I had a panic attack, and—”

 

            “You had another panic attack? They’re getting worse, aren’t they?” Teddy asked softly, gently lifting my head so he could slide down into the chair. There was a little shuffling as we sorted it out, but it ended with Teddy’s arm thrown over my shoulder and my head resting against his chest. The chair was big and I was tiny, so there was plenty of room for us to share the seat.

 

            Our friends would always give us weird looks whenever we did this. It’s just that when you grow up as best friends all your life, constantly tangled up in the other, touching is just such an informal thing. It’s comfortable and normal, just what you do. And right now, it was what I needed.

 

            “Yeah, they are.” I said, silently hoping that Teddy wouldn’t ask me any more questions about it.

 

            “They always seem to act up when you’re at school.” He muttered, and though there wasn’t actually a question mark at the end of that sentence, I heard the curiosity behind the words. My stomach clenched.

 

            “It’s probably just OWL stress, you know. Every teacher was going on about it this morning. I’m kind of glad Madam Pomfrey let me off the rest of my classes.” I said quickly, hoping to calm keep Teddy from wondering too much. Then, to change the subject, I said,

 

            “Anyway, what happened after I left the Great Hall? And, why are you here anyway? Skipping class?” Teddy laughed, his chest vibrating against my cheek. A fragile smile pulled at the corners of my mouth.

 

            “No, I’m not skipping, thank you very much. I have a free period.”

 

            “That only answered half of my question.” I pointed out, tipping my head up to give him a look. His eyes were that special brown color I loved, and his hair was that brilliant shade of turquoise. He smiled at me, his cheeks turning faintly red. It was a very pretty smile, and I felt very warm looking at it.

 

            It was probably just the fire, though.

 

            “Briar gave me two week’s detention. I have to go to his office from 6 to 8 every weekday. Fuckin’ git.” He grumbled. A wave of guilt washed over me, then, because I knew that really the only reason Briar hated him was because we were so close. And Briar was…territorial. I bit my lip, trying to put him out of my mind.

 

            “Well, you did put a bat bogey hex on Greg.” I pointed out. Talk traveled fast, and I saw Greg in the hospital wing. Teddy’s chest vibrated again as he chuckled.

 

            “Yes, well, Dom also put a jelly jinx curse on him. She only got one week of detentions, from 5-6. Briar fucking hates me. I don’t get what you and Mara and everyone else in this bloody school see in that twat.” He sighed, and I felt him tense with anger.

 

            “It’s just Mara that likes him, Teddy. Well, her and the rest of the school. I’m with you; he’s an arrogant prick.” It felt good to be able to say the truth out loud, or at least a portion of it. It was a small piece of relief, a cool sip of water on a hot day.

 

            “Well, I have to say, that is rather satisfying to hear. Good to know I’m not the only person in the entire sodding school that doesn’t like him.” Teddy said, before lapsing into silence. The fire crackled and I listened to his heart beat one, two, three, steady and solid. His hand traced abstract patterns on my arm. It was quiet and peaceful and I let my eyes droop, forgetting for a moment that tomorrow I would have to get up and go to Charms. I would have to see Briar again.

 

            “Vic, what goes on when Briar keeps you back?” My heart froze in my chest, halting mid-beat as a hand of ice reached out to close over it. The demon in my stomach, which had previously been resting, awakened and raised its head. My mind felt suddenly shrouded in fog, and there was a lump in my throat.

 

            “It was just—what I said this morning, you know, about Lou—”

 

            “C’mon, Vic, don’t lie to me. We’ve never kept secrets, and we both know that wasn’t true. And what about all the other times? What about last year, or the year before?” Teddy went on, and there tears behind my eyes before I could even think to keep them at bay. I pushed myself up, tripping a little over Teddy’s huge feet. He caught my hand, though, before I could really walk away.

 

            “Vic—please. Talk to me.” He whispered, and I couldn’t stop the tears now, as they rolled down my face, because I wanted to tell him, _so fucking bad_. But I couldn’t, _I couldn’t_ , because the words got stuck in my throat, and I kept imagining his face if I told him, how it would crumple into an expression of disgust and anger, because I hadn’t told him and because I was weak, so weak, for letting Briar touch me and—

 

            “Please, Teddy, just let—let go of me, please!” And now panic was tinting my voice, because Teddy’s grip was tight and he wasn’t letting go and all I could think of were hands on me, hands that held and wouldn’t let go and the tears were quickly turning into sobs. Then Teddy did let go, with very wide eyes.

 

            “Vic, I—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, I—”

 

            “I should go to my dorm. Madam Pomfrey let me out of class to relax, and I should go do that. I’ll—I’ll see you at dinner.” I managed to get the words out around the sobs. I didn’t wait around for his response, just turn and ran up the stairs, flinging my door open to collapse on my bed.

 

            I really wished that Madam Pomfrey had given me an extra elixir. I could use it right now.


	5. Posession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know, sometimes you seem more like a Ravenclaw than Gryffindor, sis. Ever think of that?”
> 
> I knew that Lou didn’t mean anything by it. He didn’t mean what I was thinking; coward, you’re such a coward, how could you be a brave Gryffindor? Of course, knowing this didn’t take much of the sting away.

            The next morning, I got up early. Well, I was already up. I’d skipped dinner the previous night, feigning illness to keep Mara from dragging me out by my feet, and then slept on and off for a handful of hours. At 7:30, I dragged myself out of bed, feeling faintly sick and very lightheaded. My stomach was so empty I could almost hear the echoes, so even though all I wanted to do was lie in bed long enough to turn to dust, I slowly made my way out of the silent common room. No one was up anyway, so I at least didn’t have to talk. I didn’t have to see Teddy or Mara or answer any questions.

 

            The Great Hall was almost empty when I got there a few minutes later. Glad that I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone, I sat down on the edge of the Gryffindor table, trying to figure out exactly how much food I could stomach. I was hungry, but there were exactly 0 things in front of me that I wanted to eat. I frowned. Why was it so hard to find out what I wanted to eat? This should be an easy fucking problem.

 

            I sighed. Eggs. Scrambled eggs. That should be all right. I could shove a couple forkfuls down, at least to put something in my stomach. Problem solved for the moment, I began piling my plate with as many eggs as I felt I could eat. I didn’t want to waste the house elves’ good cooking.

 

            “Hey, Vic,” I started, fluffy yellow eggs flying off my fork and across the table.

 

            “Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Lou apologized, offering me a smile, which I returned. I waved my wand to clear away the food, and replaced the eggs that I had just lost.

 

            “It’s fine. How’d you like your first day, Ravenclaw?” I asked, trying not to think too much about the food as I forced myself to eat it. My stomach rumbled with nausea, and even though I knew I was only nauseous because of the lack of food, it was still really hard to keep pressing forkfuls of eggs to my lips.

 

            Lou grinned.

 

            “It was fantastic! I wrote Mum and Dad last night about it, I wonder what they’ll say. You don’t think they’re upset that I’m in Ravenclaw, do you?” He asked, with an expression that was uncharacteristically nervous. I shook my head.

 

            “No, Lou, not at all. In fact, I think Mum and Dad’ll be a few galleons richer.” When Lou gave me a quizzical look, I went on,

 

            “Uncle Ron and Uncle George bet them you’d land in Gryffindor.” Lou laughed, and I surprised myself by laughing along with him.

 

            “Really? Do you know how much?” I shook my head again.

 

            “No, but Dom and I won 2 galleons a piece from Uncle Percy. He’s the one you ought to send a nasty letter to; he bet Hufflepuff.” I said, grinning at Lou, who laughed a bit louder this time.

 

            “Hufflepuff? Really? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with Hufflepuff, but—really?” Lou wondered, and I shrugged my shoulders, having no explanation at hand. A few moments passed in silence as I ate three more bites of eggs before giving up.

 

            “You know, sometimes you seem more like a Ravenclaw than Gryffindor, sis. Ever think of that?”

 

            I knew that Lou didn’t mean anything by it. He didn’t mean what I was thinking; _coward, you’re such a coward, how could you be a brave Gryffindor?_ Of course, knowing this didn’t take much of the sting away. I bit my lip.

 

            “Yeah. Sometimes.”

 

 

Lou left a few minutes later to talk to a few of his new mates. I was done with my tiny breakfast, but I had nowhere else to go, and no motivation—or energy—to find a place to go, so I just sat there. I poured myself a coffee, hoping the bitter liquid would help wake me up.

 

            I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings, so it was pretty easy for Teddy to surprise me.

 

            “Morning, Vic.” His greeting was soft, but placing his hand on my shoulder still startled me enough to spill my coffee—thankfully all over the table, and not all over me.

 

            “Bloody hell,” I muttered, whipping my wand out for the second time this morning to clean up my mess. Teddy sat down next to me, pointedly leaving at least a foot and a half of space between us.

 

            “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, I just…I wanted to apologize. For last night. I shouldn’t have pushed you, and I didn’t want to upset you. I’m sorry.” His eyes were brown again, and his hair wasn’t the vibrant turquoise it usually was, but a dark, dark navy blue.

 

            I couldn’t stay mad at Teddy. It was impossible.

 

            “It’s okay, Teddy. I forgive you.” I said, and slid across the bench to lay my head on his shoulder. He sighed a big, huge sigh of relief, one that went through his whole body.

 

            “Thank god. I hate knowing you’re upset with me.” He said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his side. I looked up at him, pleased to see his hair changing steadily back to his normal bright, bright blue. When he saw me looking, he winked and changed his nose to our favorite piggy one, and made his hair that crazy shade of pink. Like usual, I started to giggle, and then laugh, and then Teddy started to laugh, and it felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders.

 

            “Oh, did you two finally bite the bloody bullet and snog?” I jumped, turning to see Mara walking up behind us with a smug look on her face. I blushed scarlet, suddenly aware of what we probably looked like to everyone around us.

 

            “What? No, no, Mara, of course not.” I said, trying to casually look up to the staff table. He was there and, like I had feared, he was looking at me. Or, glaring at me. My throat felt tight.

 

            “Um, I have to, I have to go. See you at lunch!” I said, extricating myself from Teddy’s side as quickly as was possible. Both of them were watching me with questioning looks on their faces, though I had no answer to give them.

 

            I was terrified of what Charms would bring.

 

 

Professor Briar stretched out my torture. From the moment I walked into class, he avoided my eye. Usually, he winked at me, or smiled at me, or made some kind of eye contact. I used to think that I would’ve preferred him to never look at me again, but this just made me so nervous that I kept dropping my wand when I was supposed to be practicing a new spell. This, too, would’ve been an opportune time for Briar to walk up to me and show me how to make the proper wand movements while getting far too close. Instead, he avoided me and Mara like the plague, focusing on making sure Vivian Nott didn’t blow up her desk on the other side of the room.

 

            I was so nervous that when I tried to twirl my wand like Mara was telling me to, it spun out of my shaking hands. It shot purple sparks that hit Mara square in the face, knocking her off her feet so she fell on her bum and hit her head on the floor.

 

            “Shit! Bloody hell, Mara, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” I called, rushing forward to try to help her out.

 

            “Ms. Weasley! Ms. Worthington! What is going on?” Briar demanded, marching over with more anger than the charismatic Professor usually possessed. A hard lump formed in my throat.

 

            “I just—I was having trouble with the wand movement, and my wand flew out of my hand, and,” I quailed under the look Briar was giving me.

 

            “It was an accident.” I mumbled, my fingers shaking as I helped Mara to her feet.

 

            “Really, Professor, it was an accident.” Mara added, rubbing her head. But I knew that Briar wasn’t going to let me off so easy.

 

            “Detention, Ms. Weasley. My office, 8 o’clock tonight. Take Ms. Worthington to the hospital wing, and then return here before lunch.”

 

            “But Professor! It wasn’t really her fault! She—” I shushed Mara, shaking my head as I helped her to her feet. Nothing she said was going to help me, and I knew it.

 

            “It’s fine, Mara, really. Let’s go to the hospital wing.” She stared at me, confused and angry by the circumstances, but willing to shut her mouth for me. Though once we left the classroom, and all the way to the hospital wing, she talked my ear off about the unfairness of it all. I didn’t correct her or stop her, just let her talk while I attempted to keep myself from having a panic attack right there. It was harder on the walk back, and all the while I found myself hoping that I would run into McGonagall or, better yet, Teddy. Maybe if I did I would tell them. Maybe if I did, I would finally say what Briar had been doing, what he was going to do to me in detention tonight.

 

            I didn’t run into either of them.

 

            By the time I got to his office, class had let out for lunch.

 

            I knocked on his door, and he called for me to enter.

 

            “Ms. Weasley, please close the door behind you.” He said as I walked into the room. I had to convince myself I knew how to work my hands as I did so.

 

            “Come here,” Briar went on once the door had closed behind us. His voice was hard as steel and at Arctic temperatures. I swallowed about five times on the way up to him, and I refused to meet his eye.

 

            “Look at me.” I didn’t. I couldn’t. Quick as a snake, he reached out a hand to grab my chin hard enough that I knew I’d have bruises. He yanked my head up, pulling it over so I was close enough for his breath to brush my face.

 

            “I saw you this morning. I saw you with _him_. He was touching you and hugging you. He doesn’t _get to do that_ , he doesn’t get to _touch you_!” Briar yelled, and he was so close that I was momentarily frozen with shock, his yell ringing in my ears. He was glaring at me, fierce and terrifying. His grip tightened, and I couldn’t help but cry out.

 

            “You’re _mine_ ,” he whispered, before he lunged forward to slam his lips against mine, hard enough to hurt. His grip was still tight on my chin, tight enough that I couldn’t pull away, couldn’t move at all. When he finally broke away, I was crying, silent and hard.

 

            “Don’t cry, sweetheart. Just don’t hurt me like you did this morning, alright darling?” He whispered, his face still unnervingly close to my own. I nodded, closing my eyes as he brushed his fingers across my cheek to wipe away the tears.

 

            “I’ll see you tonight.” He said.

 

            I didn’t go to lunch that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this update! Tell me what you think! I love comments :)


	6. Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tori, you do remember what I said two years ago, right? I’d hope you wouldn’t forget it.” I stopped in my tracks. I did, in fact, remember what he had said two years ago. It still haunted my nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I've said it yet, but I just wanted to take this moment to apologize for the chapter names. I am sorry. Very, very sorry.

            At 7:50 that night, I began my walk to Professor Briar’s office. For the second day in a row, I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, though I was too nervous to notice my hunger. All the weight I had gained during the summer holiday was going to be gone by the end of September, I just knew. When I got home for winter break, Nana Molly would make a fuss over how thin I looked, and Mum would tell me to take better care of myself, and then Dad would just give me concerned looks every few minutes. When it came time for me to go back to school, I’d catch Dad telling Teddy to make me eat more.

 

            It was the same every year.

 

            It was 7:55 when I reached his door. I’d known it was only a five-minute walk to get there, but it was always worse when I was late. I sat down, drawing my knees up to my chest while I waited for the door to open.

 

            “You always seem to be here, child.” I started, looking around for the source of the voice. It was one of the portraits hanging on the wall, the one of a long ago Charms teacher, who had been greatly loved. I think her name was Violet Vye or Dye or Hyde or something. She had been painted in her old classroom, in deep, purple-blue robes and a hat regal enough to rival the ones Headmistress McGonagall often wore.

 

            “I have detention.” I said, wondering why she was talking to me. Of all the times I’d stood outside this door over the past two years, she’d never said more than two words to me, often consisting of, “good evening,” or, “goodnight.” She was staring at me like she was trying to look into my soul.

 

            “Indeed. But you don’t seem the type, dearie. What did you do, if you don’t mind me asking?” She went on, keeping up her intense gaze. I bit my lip, looking away. My watch said it was 7:57. I only had three minutes.

 

            “I messed up on a new spell and accidentally hit my friend. She had to go to the hospital wing. How do you know I’m not the type, anyway?” I asked, taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm my heart. I could feel each beat in my chest, hard and fast.

 

            “I know because I was a teacher for 50 years. And that hardly seems worth a detention. As you say yourself, it was an accident.” Violet Vye continued.

 

            “I cursed too.” I added, knowing as I did so that it wasn’t going to actually convince her the detention was deserved. Because it wasn’t. Violet Vye looked like she was about to say something else, except the opening door cut her off. I leapt to my feet, expecting to see Briar, though I instead came face to face with none other than…Teddy Lupin. I’d forgotten he had detention from 6-8. He looked just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

 

            “Vic? What are you doing here?” He asked, glancing around like the answer would pop up in the air around me.

 

            “I have detention.” I said, looking around Teddy. Briar was standing at the front of the classroom, watching the interaction with narrowed eyes. My insides felt hollowed out. My mouth dried up. The time on my watch said 8:00.

 

            “What—you? You have detention? With—with Briar? What did you do?” I wasn’t looking at Teddy. Behind him, Briar’s narrowed gaze had turned into a hard glare.

 

            “I just—um, I should go.” I mumbled, stepping around Teddy. But he reached out a hand to grasp my arm, soft but steady. I knew I could break the contact, but it felt nice and warm, familiar and infinitely better than the hell I was about to go into. The time on my watch now said 8:01. Briar’s glare was a thing of nightmares.

 

            “Wait—where were you at dinner? I didn’t see you at lunch either. Have you been eating?” Teddy asked. My heart warmed slightly to hear his concern, though the fact that he wouldn’t leave it alone scared me too. If he paid too much attention, it wouldn’t take much to guess the truth.

 

            “I’m—I’m fine, Teddy. Really, I am. I have to go, okay?” I said, pulling my arm from his hand. 8:02. Without giving him time to say something else, I walked into the classroom and closed the door behind me. On the other side of the door, I thought I heard Teddy talking to Violet Vye. I was curious, of course, but I didn’t have time to listen.

 

            “Come over here, Tori, if you please.” Professor Briar said, arms crossed and voice hard. My trembling legs took forever to get me to him. With every passing second, his gaze only got harder. Vaguely, I wondered if Teddy was still outside the door. I hoped he wasn’t.

 

            “Tori, we don’t have all night.” He warned, and I almost had to turn and retch right there, the nerves were so bad.

 

            I finally stopped a few feet short of him, knowing that the distance between us would not last.

 

            “Do you know why you’re in detention tonight?” Not trusting my voice, I shook my head, staring at the collar on his robes. I didn’t want to look into his eyes. It was going to be something about Teddy. _What if he told me not to see him anymore?_ The idea hit me so hard, I thought I might cry.

 

            “You hurt me, Tori. You hurt me, and you didn’t apologize.” He said, reaching a hand out to touch my arm, the same arm that Teddy had just grabbed. I had to focus on not flinching. His other hand found its way to my neck, his thumb brushing my cheek.

 

            “I’m—I’m sorry.” I stuttered, swallowing back tears.

 

            “Thank you Tori, darling.” He stroked his thumb across my cheek, running his fingers up and down my arm. I closed my eyes. I wanted him to stop touching me, to stop saying my name, to leave me alone. I wanted to run out the door, to go find Teddy and tell him everything. And for a moment, I could see it. I could see myself doing just that. I took a step back, then another one, letting Briar’s hands fall. For a moment, I felt powerful. I felt brave.

 

            “Tori,” Briar said, voice threatening as a thundercloud.

 

            “Tori, you do remember what I said two years ago, right? I’d hope you wouldn’t forget it.” I stopped in my tracks. I did, in fact, remember what he had said two years ago. It still haunted my nightmares.

 

            Two years ago, everything had only just begun. It had started slowly. Very slowly. Towards the end of second year, it was just me staying back a few times, or coming in the evenings, to get extra credit. And I loved it. Professor Briar was funny and charming, and I didn’t know why he all of a sudden liked me, but I wasn’t asking questions. He’d always been that cool teacher that everyone wanted to befriend. He’d joke with his classes, but he was quick to put boundaries between him and his students. There was always a clear separation. But somewhere in my second year, that separation began to blur. He paid more attention to me. I felt special. Mara was jealous. My friends were asking me what I did to get Briar to like me so much. I didn’t have a reason to question it.

 

            Third year started up, and we fell into the same schedule. But things began to take a different route. From time to time, Briar would trace a finger over my neck, or let his hand linger on my shoulder. When I left, he’d hug me. His hands would wander, just far enough to make my heart stutter, but not quite far enough for me to feel like it warranted telling anyone. Slowly, steadily, it escalated. When he kissed me, I’d turned to run out of the room, but he caught my arm. Up until that point, he’d never hurt me, but his grip had been hard enough to leave behind a perfect, hand shaped bruise.

 

            He pulled me to his chest, and said, “don’t run from me. Please don’t run from me Tori. We’re such good friends, aren’t we?” I couldn’t answer—how could I? I was shocked and scared, not quite certain of what was going on. I didn’t want him to touch me, and I tried to pull away from him, but then he said it.

 

            “If you don’t want to be my friend, Tori, I’ll let you walk out that door. I know you won’t tell anyone; you’re too smart to think that anyone would believe you. But I’ll be lonely. I’ll need a new friend. And your sister Dominique looks like she would be _very_ nice.”

 

            My blood had frozen. I could see it in my head, the fear turning every ounce of liquid in my body to solid ice. Dom was eleven, loud and angry and funny and wonderful. The thought of Briar touching her, hugging her, hurting her…I was her older sister. It was my job to protect her.

 

            So I didn’t fight him in third year, and I didn’t walk out of the room then, in fifth. I walked back to the circle of his arms, hoping I’d get back to my common room with enough time to take a shower without waking the other girls.

 

 

 

It was 8:39 when I got out of his office. Violet Vye’s portrait was empty. I stared at the picture for far too long without really thinking anything at all. All I wanted to do was go take a shower, do some homework, and then climb into bed and sleep for eternity.

 

            “Vic? Oh, shit, I didn’t mean to scare you—man you are so jumpy lately. Are you okay?” At the sound of Teddy’s voice, I had jumped, and then tripped, and then lost my balance and fallen flat on my bloody arse. _Fantastic,_ I thought, _another goddamn bruise._

 

            “I’m fine, I’m fine.” I said as Teddy pulled me to my feet. I hoped nothing in my appearance betrayed the truth of my detention. Smiling to keep him from paying too close attention, I briefly thought back over what had happened, trying to make sure there was nothing I needed to hide.

 

            There was the hickey on my neck, but my robes should hide that. The bruises on my shoulders wouldn’t appear until tomorrow. For the time, I was safe. Teddy was looking at me with an odd expression on his face when I focused on him again.

 

            “What? Is—is there something on my face?” I asked, putting a finger to my lips and hoping they didn’t look swollen. They did feel sore; could he tell? But Teddy just shook his head, looping an arm over me and steering me away from Briar’s classroom. This was quite welcome, and I tried to hide my sigh of relief.

 

            “Were you waiting for me? Why were you here?” I went on when I realized that I had only just walked out of detention when he saw me. My mind went back to the sound of him and Violet Vye talking to each other on the other side of the door. Did he suspect something?

 

            Teddy laughed, though I’d known him long enough to hear how manufactured it was.

 

            “No, I was just going for a walk around the school, and I saw that you’d gotten out of detention.”

 

            Teddy didn’t go for walks.

 

            I didn’t say anything.

 

            “So, where are we going?” I asked after a few seconds of silence. We had been walking together, my head lightly hitting his chest every few steps. It was quiet and companionable, an inexplicable warmth growing in my chest.

 

            “The kitchen. Your Mum and Dad will never forgive me if you come home for Christmas break thin as a rail. I think your Nana’d curse me.” Teddy said, pulling his arm so that I was squeezed against his side as I let out a laugh.

 

            “But it’s like that every year, Teddy. It isn’t exactly a new thing. I get stressed and lose weight; that’s not exactly uncommon.” That was the party line. And it was an easy one. Get stressed over school and lose weight? Hell, Aunt Hermione backed me up on that one when I said it last Christmas. And then she gave me a pat on the back and told me to keep up the good work.

 

            This was another reason I couldn’t tell anyone. That comment was completely innocent, but if she knew the real reason I was losing weight so rapidly, she would be consumed with guilt over what she said. And it wasn’t her fault. Teddy sighed. When I looked up, his jaw was tight.

 

            “Vic, it’s the second day of school, and you’re already looking like you lost weight. That _is_ uncommon.” I tried to hide my own sigh. This wasn’t even an exaggeration. It had happened last year, too. In the weeks leading up to term, I get more and more nervous, so I already have a jumpstart on the weight loss. And when term actually does start, the weight just seems to melt away. Of course, the Veela metabolism doesn’t exactly help either.

 

            “Yeah, well, it’s OWL year. I was nervous. I _am_ nervous. It’s a big year, Ted.” I said, the lie rolling off my tongue so easily that I couldn’t help but feel guilty. The reality was that I hadn’t had much time at all to think about OWLs. It didn’t even feel real yet. I was too busy dealing with the nightmare of Professor Briar to even think about these huge exams that had the potential to make or break whatever future career I ended up taking. I didn’t even know what I wanted to do, which made it worse.

 

            “Well, you still need to eat. C’mon,” Teddy said, holding aside the portrait of the giggling pear he had just tickled. My comments seemed to have eased his mind for a while, which in turn eased the perpetual knot of anxiety that lived in my stomach. I stepped into the kitchen, which was still bustling with activity, despite the late hour. House elves dashed here and there, and the steam rising out of the sinks filled with dirty dishes made the air feel warm and wet. It was loud, too, with plates clattering and house elves calling to each other. But it was oddly comforting, all this activity, because it reminded me of all the other countless trips Teddy and I had taken to the kitchens late at night.

 

            We found a seat off to the side, where a house elf materialized almost the moment we sat down.

 

            “Is miss and mister wanting anything to eat or drink?” The little house elf asked, her voice a squeaky falsetto that made me smile.

 

            “Is any of the steak and kidney pie left over from dinner? Or any of the rolls? Maybe some pudding, too, if there’s any lying about. Oh, and some pumpkin juice, if you please.” Teddy said immediately. The house elf nodded, smiled, and scurried off to attend to his order.

 

            “Teddy! Exactly how hungry are you? You ordered about half the kitchen’s food! Did you not eat dinner either?” I asked, laughing a little. Already, I felt brighter, lighter, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The smile on my face felt blissfully genuine.

 

            “Oh, I ate dinner, and I’m not actually very hungry. But I’m going to make sure _you_ eat.” Teddy declared, leaning back in his chair with his arms folded like he really did intend on staring me down until I had cleaned a plate of food. I laughed again and considered saying something, except the house elf from before had appeared beside me, a very heavy plate in hand. She set it down in front of me with a smile, the smells wafting up.

 

            For the first time in a while, I was actually hungry. I picked up the fork the house elf had given me, said “thank you,” an amount of politeness that Aunt Hermione had instilled in all of us, and moved to take a bite. As I did, Teddy lurched forward, propping his elbows on his table and putting his head on his hands. He made a point of staring at me as I lifted the fork for another bite of the steak and kidney pie—god bless the Hogwarts house elves—making use of all his melodramatic skills. I laughed again.

 

            “Are you really going to stare at me like that the entire time?” I asked around the food in my mouth.

 

            “Yes, yes I am. How else will I know that you’re eating?” He went on, one turquoise eyebrow cocked. A few bites of food and one roll later, I said

 

            “Well, you could always just trust me, Teddy.”

 

            He looked at me for a moment, and the amusement in his eyes faded a little.

 

            “I’d love to, Vic. I used to. But you’re not talking to me like you used to, and—”

 

            “Teddy, I—”

 

            “No, please, Vic. Don’t lie to me. Even if you won’t or can’t tell me what’s going on, just please don’t lie to me.” His eyes were so earnest, so genuine, and the hurt I saw there felt like a physical wound. I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Okay. I actually knew exactly what I wanted to say. I knew every word; I practiced it at night, right before I counted all the reasons I shouldn’t say anything at all.

 

            “You don’t have to say anything, Vic. I won’t ask. Just, remember that I’m your friend, please.” I set down my fork. I didn’t actually believe that Teddy wouldn’t ask me again; he was too curious and too concerned to let it go. But the fact that he would say it, at all, had me swallowing back tears of gratitude. I didn’t have to make up some ridiculous excuse for my behavior. I didn’t have to lie. This was the closest I’d ever gotten to the truth. It was hardly anything at all, but it felt like a step in the right direction.

 

            “Thank you, Teddy.” I whispered. He smiled in return, and then promptly turned his hair magenta and his nose piggy, so we collapsed into giggles.

 

            For the first time since third year, I actually felt at home in the halls of Hogwarts that night.  
 


	7. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was surprised to see Headmistress McGonagall waiting outside the door. Once she saw me, she stepped forward and pulled me aside. My stomach turned ice cold.
> 
> “A word, Ms. Weasley, if you please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry it's taken me a bit to get this chapter up. Hope you enjoy it!

            I had a good night of sleep that night. I had a dream too, and not one that ended with me wide-awake, shivering and crying in a cold sweat. It was a hazy dream, and I didn’t quite remember what it was about. There were just vague wisps of memory, something about golden light and laughter, the color blue and pretty brown eyes. When I woke up, I actually smiled.

 

            I thought that was going to be the best part of my day; waking up to the glow of a good night’s sleep and a happy dream. Until I realized that my head was pounding, my throat hurt, and my nose had begun to run.

 

            I was sick. If I was sick, I couldn’t go to class. In the cave of my four-poster bed, I smiled, rolled over, and went back to sleep. Of course, I only got about thirty more minutes of sleep before Mara was yanking on my curtains and telling me to wake up.

 

            “Go away,” I called, the words coming out in a croak.

 

            “I think I’m sick.” Mara made a rather disbelieving sound on the other side of those curtains, but didn’t say anything. For a few seconds, I was lulled into the belief that Mara, despite her apparent disbelief, had left me alone, and would let me sleep away the day.

 

            I was rather mistaken, as it turned out.

 

            _BANG!_

“ _Again?!_ ” I snarled, as the ribbons of my blown up curtains swirled and fluttered down around me. Teddy stood before me, bathed in the morning light from the window behind him. He held his wand aloft in such a way that could only be called _triumphant_ , though as he took in my appearance, he let his arm drop to his side.

 

            “Oh. You really are sick. Mara said you were lying.” He looked a little sheepish now, the tips of his hair turning suddenly crimson. It was clearly not a purposeful moment of morphing. Leaning around him, I scowled at Mara, who only looked partially apologetic.

 

            “Well Mara lied.” I said, pulling my wand from my desk so I could fix my curtains.

 

            “Reparo,” I muttered, and then flicked my wand again so they slid shut. Teddy, on the other side of the curtains, grumbled and pulled one back just enough that he could stick his face in.

 

            “Vic, if you’re really sick you should see Madam Pomfrey.” I groaned. The idea of getting out of bed was very unappealing.

 

            “Ugh, no. I’m not leaving this bed.”

 

            “What about breakfast?”

 

            “I am not leaving this bed.”

 

            Even with my eyes closed, I could tell that Teddy was glaring at me.

 

            “Your dad really will kill me come Christmas break.”

 

            I cracked one eye open.

 

            “Eh. You’re pretty tough. I’m sure you can handle it.” And then I rolled to my other side. Teddy groaned—loud and far more dramatic than the situation actually warranted. I suppressed a giggle. _Damn him_ , I thought. Giggling would definitely hurt this little show I was putting on.

 

            There was some shuffling around the bed before the curtains in front of me were pulled back. Mara stood there, looking at me appraisingly. She pursed her lips at what she saw.

 

            “C’mon Vic, you know he’s right. Madam Pomfrey will get you in tip top shape in no time.”

 

            The problem was, this was true. If I went to Madam Pomfrey, she would give me some foul-tasting tonic, and after a few minutes, I’d be good to go to class. Visions of last night’s detention swam before my eyes, sudden and horrible. That wonderful mood I had woken up in shriveled up faster than I thought possible.

 

            “Just—just let me sleep for a little while. I’ll go to Madam Pomfrey later. It’s only the third day of school, anyway. There’s not much to miss yet.” This was not entirely true, and I knew it. Most of my teachers had already begun their lessons in earnest, full of dire warnings about OWLs. Missing any day wasn’t the smart thing to do.

 

            But I really, really wanted to.

 

            Mara and Teddy sighed.

 

            “Fine, but—”

 

            “Why doesn’t Teddy stay here?” I nearly sat up, I was so shocked at Mara’s words.

 

            “What? Why would Teddy stay here? He has classes, too!” I pointed out. I had a sudden vision of Professor Briar finding not only me missing from his class, but Teddy too. The thought nearly gave me a panic attack right there, and I was gripped with an insane urge to pull the covers up over my head and childishly scream at them to go away.

 

            But that wouldn’t really help the whole keep-them-from-suspecting-me thing. Of course, what I did next didn’t really help either.

 

            “No! No, Teddy—you don’t have to be here. I’m fine, go to class. I’ll just sleep for a little bit, eat lunch, and go to class then. Really, you don’t have to stay. Don’t.” I had rambled on for what seemed like forever, finally ending it with that one word, “don’t.” And it wasn’t a nice, “don’t.” It was a hard, firm, _mean_ , “don’t.” It didn’t surprise me to see the hurt dancing in Teddy’s eyes, or the confusion in Mara’s. I wanted to apologize, but—it worked.

 

            “Um…Okay, I’ll—we’ll go. Hope you feel better, Vic. C’mon, Mara.” Teddy walked away, looking so dejected that my heart broke. The door closed behind him, and it was painfully quiet afterwards. Even the other girls in the room were quiet, apparently as shocked at this display as Mara. Mara, who was looking at me like I was a bomb about to go off, and the timer was hidden.

 

            “Wow…what’s up with you two? You guys never fight.” She asked. I closed my eyes, turning away to hide my face in a pillow to ward off the tears suddenly choking my throat.

 

            “We’re not fighting,” I mumbled, trying to remember how to breathe evenly and steadily. Mara sighed, a sigh that sounded frustrated and angry. I turned my head to look at her, confused. She was looking at me, looking exasperated and incredibly annoyed.

 

            “Vic, I don’t know what is up with you—and don’t even try to deny that something is up, because it’s obvious. I know you’re private, so I won’t ask you to tell me anything, but…Teddy and you? You’re—look, just talk to him, okay?” Mara said this all in a rush, and then she promptly turned and left the room.

 

            I held it together long enough for the other girls to leave. Then I burst into tears.

 

 

 

I didn’t venture out of bed until about ten minutes before lunch. I dragged myself to the shower, and then I dragged myself into some clothes, and then I dragged myself down the stairs and to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips and looked very annoyed that I had waited so long to come see her, but she didn’t say anything. Perhaps my eyes were still a little red.

 

            I had been right earlier, though. Madam Pomfrey _did_ give me a foul-tasting tonic—it was reminiscent of the one time Teddy tricked me into drinking some bottom shelf, past-its-time fire whiskey—that burned my throat and cleared up any sickness I had in about five minutes.

 

            By the time I actually got to the Great Hall, lunch was almost over. This had been my plan. I was able to grab a bite to eat—which I couldn’t actually taste very much of, thanks to the after effects of the potion—Teddy saw me and thus couldn’t accuse me of hiding away in my dorm, but there wasn’t enough time for him to talk to me. And finally, when the bell rang, I was able to scurry away without having said a word. Of course, Mara was in my next class—Transfiguration—but I could handle talking to her. Teddy was…different. And I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.

 

            I slid into my normal seat. Mara sat next to me, but didn’t say a word, just looked forward. That was okay; I didn’t feel like talking. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything, and I mechanically took notes as Professor Barrowman taught, though I didn’t take in much of it. And when we got to actually transfiguring the mice she placed in front of us into cups, I only managed to create a fur-covered goblet without a stem, which squeaked and had a long, wiggling pink tail. It even had one little paw, which helped it hop around my desk in front of me.

 

            As I was leaving the room—trailing a few feet behind Mara, who was now shooting me sympathetic looks every few minutes—I was surprised to see Headmistress McGonagall waiting outside the door. Once she saw me, she stepped forward and pulled me aside. My stomach turned ice cold.

 

            “A word, Ms. Weasley, if you please.” Of course, with the Headmistress, there was little choice here. I followed her to a quiet little alcove off to the side, where we were hidden from most of the students walking about. My heart was jumping into my throat. It wasn’t that I expected the Headmistress to do anything nefarious—I trusted her possibly more than any other teacher in this school. It was just that school authority figures pulling me aside never ended well for me.

 

            And there was one thought, in the back of my mind, that whispered, _what if she knew?_ _What if she found out?_

 

I couldn’t tell if this thought was good or bad.

           

The Headmistress stood for a moment, looking uncharacteristically uncertain. That, in itself, made me feel a bit better. Briar was never uncertain. He was always confidently terrible.

 

            “Ms. Weasley, I have gotten some…upsetting reports concerning…concerning Professor Briar’s treatment of you. I wanted to know if any of them were founded.”

 

            My stomach had bottomed out. Relief and fear were battling for dominance in my heart. Conflicting words prodded the back of my lips.

 

            _Yes, they are founded…_

_No? Professor Briar’s great!_

_No—_

_Yes—_

_No—_

 

            “Um, what kind of reports?” I asked, a little frantic and hoping to buy myself more time to decide on my response. The Headmistress clearly had not been expecting this question. She blinked and tilted her head back, as if trying to get a better look at me. Maybe that hadn’t been the best question.

 

            “Very upsetting reports, Ms. Weasley. Now, are they founded?” The sudden firmness of her voice told me she knew my question had merely been an attempt to stall.

 

            I could tell her. I could tell her and it would all be over.

 

            Or I could tell her and she wouldn’t believe me. I could tell her, and she’d accuse me of lying. Maybe it would get out. Maybe everyone would find out. Maybe they’d call me a slag for trying to get into the pants of the hottest teacher at Hogwarts. Or they’d just call me a filthy liar. Briar was so well liked, even loved, by all of his students. No one would believe me. I just knew it. Maybe even Teddy wouldn’t believe me.

 

            But Briar would be angry for even trying to tell. Everything could get worse. Or, maybe it would stop—and he’d choose Dom instead.

 

            I closed my eyes. The fear easily beat the relief, as it always did. I opened my eyes again, steadily meeting the Headmistress’s concerned gaze.

 

            “No. They are not founded. Professor Briar is a great teacher.” I said, and forced a semi-convincing smile. McGonagall pursed her lips, but nodded. I felt quite sure she didn’t entirely believe me, though I was also quite sure she felt she could not do anything anyway, not without concrete proof.

 

            And she did not have concrete proof. If she did, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

 

            “Well then, Ms. Weasley. Take this note to your next class—I am quite sure I’ve kept you too long to be on time. And—” She paused, the moment adding some weight to her words.

 

            “Talk to Mr. Lupin, will you? I fear he is rather worried about you.” Then she nodded once more, patted my shoulder, and left. At her words, the fear began to turn to terror.

 

            I walked to Defense Against the Dark Arts in a daze. When I got there, Mara had decided to talk to me again, and her first question was about what McGonagall had talked to me about. But I just couldn’t talk about that, not right now. I kept replaying McGonagall’s parting words to me, over and over.

 

            _Talk to Mr. Lupin, will you? I fear he is rather worried about you._

 

            Teddy must have been the one to tell McGongall—what? Something, to be sure, and something big enough to cause her to pull me aside after class. Something, “upsetting,” and “concerning.” And the Headmistress wasn’t exactly one to be easily startled. I remembered, suddenly, the sound of Teddy talking to Violet Vye the night before, and his sudden reappearance after my detention. Had he heard something? Had he told McGonagall?

 

            My throat tightened. If Briar found out that Teddy was sniffing around, that he suspected…

 

            Everything could implode.

 

            Mara kept trying to talk to me, but I was fairly certain she assumed the only reason I wasn’t responsive was a little left over sickness, an assumption I didn’t correct her on. At the final bell, I raced back to the Gryffindor common room, hoping to find Teddy.

 

            He was standing with a group of friends when I came through the portrait hole. The moment he saw me, though, he excused himself and walked over, looking a little nervous. I thought he might have expected me to yell again.

 

            “So…how are you feeling?” He asked, tentative. His hair was turning orange before my eyes.

 

            “I’m fine. I went to see Madam Pomfrey at lunch, and she gave me some cold tonic. Good as new.” I kept thinking, _ask him about McGonagall_ , but I couldn’t quite figure out how to say it without giving myself away.

 

            “Oh? I only saw you as lunch was ending. Did you eat anything?” Teddy asked, the whole thing so unbearably awkward that I felt a blush inch its way across my cheeks.

 

            “I was late to lunch, but yeah, I ate something. Um…Teddy, did you—”

 

            “Did McGonagall come talk to you?” Teddy blurted out before I could. I swallowed. Now was the time.

 

            “Yeah, she did. Did you, uh, tell her you thought Briar was—” But I didn’t know how to finish that sentence.

 

            “Vic—I saw the hickey on your neck last night. And Briar’s always been a sodding prick, even though he’s always liked you, and—I was worried, Vic! You’ve been so off lately and I thought—I thought—”

 

            “What, you thought I was having some sordid affair with a teacher?” I demanded, trying to sound very offended when in reality I was very afraid. Teddy looked a little taken aback by the sharpness of my tone, and I knew it’d been a little harsh.

 

            “No—not some “sordid affair,” but I thought, maybe—” Teddy cut himself off, looking very frustrated with the conversation.

 

            “Maybe…what? That he was touching me without my consent?” I hissed, thankful that the common room was too full with the after-class rush for anyone to pay us much mind.

 

            Teddy sighed, turning his head away and running a hand through his now red hair.

 

            “Vic, you can’t deny the hickey, though, okay? I know what they look like.” His words sent an odd little rush through my stomach, which tightened my lips and made my heart stutter. I couldn’t, for the life of me, put a finger on why though, and that just made me even more upset about this whole thing. But at least this gave me a little inspiration for my next line.

 

            “Did it ever occur to you that it might be from a boy? A boy that is a student, and not a bloody teacher?”

 

            The words did the trick. Teddy blushed and dropped his eyes, chewing on his lips uncertainly. Shame and guilt were spiraling in my chest, but I resolutely ignored them. It wasn’t like that was unusual, and, besides—this was for Teddy’s own good. It would protect him from Professor Briar’s wrath. What choice did I have in the matter? It was the right thing to do. I had to protect him.

 

            Before Teddy could speak, I marched off to the girl’s dormitory, ignoring anyone that called after me. I stayed up there all afternoon and evening, and even got ahead on some homework. I didn’t go down to dinner. And when it was finally a suitable time to go to sleep, I tucked myself under the covers, praying silently for rest to come easy so this godforsaken day could end. But tears turned out to be far easier to come by then sleep, and so when I finally did slip off into an uneasy rest at 3 AM, it was with the thick taste of tears on my tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think in the comments! I love reading what you guys have to say!


	8. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tori,
> 
> Meet me in the empty classroom on the fourth floor—the one by the painting of Kiara the Quiet and the dancing wands—at 8:30. Those moments after class just aren’t enough.
> 
> Can’t wait.
> 
> Bradley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a very dark chapter, just to warn you.
> 
> Also I'm sorry it's been almost four months since I last updated. Please don't hate me?

            I should’ve thought about the potential fallout of my conversation with Teddy. I really, really should’ve. Apparently word had spread that I was “seeing someone” (thankfully no one had heard Teddy’s theory about Professor Briar), and now everyone I knew was pestering me for a name. Mara kept alternating between guessing different names and talking about how my odd behavior, “suddenly makes so much sense!” A few friends would try to pry it out of me. Even Dom came up and asked me if it was true.

 

            I hadn’t actually answered, though. Mara had spoken for me, and then had a very one-sided conversation about her guesses while Dom stared at me, a curious look in her eye.

 

            The icing on the cake? Teddy and I weren’t talking.

 

            I suppose I ought to be a little glad for it. Briar hadn’t seen us together, and so he wasn’t too terrible with me in the days that followed. Still awful, but not terrible. And Teddy’s second week of detentions had even been forgiven. Really, this wasn’t too bad. And the rumor _was_ rather useful, despite how tiring it was to figure out a new evasive reply to, “so who’s the guy, Vic?!” every other hour. With this new puzzle, no one paid attention to the times Briar held me after class. Because he was, nearly every day. I kept trying not to think about the fact that this meant it was getting worse. Briar wasn’t usually this brazen, this eager to have so many moments with me.

 

            And this simple fact told me that he didn’t know about McGonagall’s worries. If he did, he wouldn’t be so blatant. So my secret was safe. Very, very safe.

 

            But despite the fact that everyone else seemed to so easily believe the lie of some secret boyfriend—even Teddy, which sometimes made my chest feel tight and my lungs breathless for reasons I couldn’t put into words—I’d known Dom wasn’t convinced. This was proved true when she sat down beside me one night in the common room, where I had been finishing up my homework in a quiet corner, completely ignoring the entire world. Well, I still had Charms homework. I generally put Charms homework off till the last moment, so really, I wasn’t finishing up my homework. I still had plenty to do. It was just that Charms homework always made me feel vaguely ill.

 

            Anyway, Dom sat herself down beside me in that theatrical way of hers. She didn’t make eye contact, and she didn’t say anything. She just stared straight ahead, eyes slightly narrowed, completely silent. For one, wild moment, I was reminded of the night after the first time Briar had touched me. I had sat beside Dom while she walked with some new friends, silent.

 

           I snapped my book shut and turned to her, suddenly very, very scared.

 

           “Dom—did Briar—did he—?” But I couldn’t say it. Dom turned sharply to me, her eyes narrowing further, analyzing me. _Shit_ , I thought.

 

           “Did Briar what?” She asked, and I felt quite sure then that Teddy had told her of this theory.

 

           “Um—I—I heard that he gave the third years some huge project. That true?” I lied quickly. Dom raised an eyebrow and shook her head.

 

           “Oh. Must’ve, uh, been a bad rumor, then.” I mumbled, opening my book back up and trying to nonchalantly resume my homework. Of course, Dom had a bullshit radar as good as Nana Molly’s. Really, the fact that I’d keep this secret quiet for two years was a real achievement. I was just slipping recently.

 

           Dom pursed her lips and sighed, looking away for a moment. Then she said, very matter-of-factly,

 

           “Vic, you don’t have a boyfriend.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of fact.

 

           “Never said I did.” I muttered, staring at the open textbook in my lap without actually seeing it.

 

           “But Teddy—”

 

           “I was angry and I just said the first thing that came to mind.” I said, still not looking at her.

 

           “So you said the hickey was from a boy?”

 

           “It wasn’t a hickey, okay? It was an ink smudge.” I knew my voice was rising, but I couldn’t help it. This was very dangerous territory.

 

           “So why didn’t you just say that?” Dom pressed. I sighed, frustrated, and snapped the book shut again. Both of us knew I wasn’t actually reading it.

 

           “I don’t know—it’s just that Teddy said he ‘knew what hickeys look like,’ and I—”

 

           “Got jealous.” Dom finished for me. I whipped my head around to stare at her. A flush was spreading across my cheeks, and I felt the odd urge to scrub my hands over my face, to hide it from view.

 

           “Jealous? What?” I spluttered. My heart skipped and stuttered in my chest. Dom raised her eyebrows at my expression, just staring at me for a little while. I could feel my face getting warmer, and I finally looked away, pulling out more school papers just for something to do. Dom still hadn’t said anything, and from the corner of my eye I saw her look away and shake her head. I was still shuffling papers to appear busy while I figured out something to say, noticing with an uncomfortable jolt that it was my Charms homework I’d pulled out. A small slip of parchment suddenly fluttered out of the pile on my lap, which I caught, trying to remember what it was.

 

 

_Tori,_

_Meet me in the empty classroom on the fourth floor—the one by the painting of Kiara the Quiet and the dancing wands—at 8:30. Those moments after class just aren’t enough._

_Can’t wait._

_Bradley_

 

 

            “Bloody hell—what time is it, Dom?” I asked frantically, crumpling the paper and shoving it into a pocket of my robes.

 

            “8:24…why? What’s the big rush, Vic?” She asked, suspicion in her eyes.

 

            “Nothing, I—I have to go. See you later, Dom.” And I rushed out of the common room, desperately trying to remember where in the hell the painting of Kiara the Quiet was. I passed very few people in the hallways, and was glad for it. Curfew wasn’t too far away, and I didn’t want to be waylaid on the way to see Briar. There had been more than a few times I had to run back to Gryffindor tower after curfew, hoping desperately to avoid capture by Filch or Mrs. Norris. I didn’t want to give Briar a reason to hold me past ten.

 

            It was 8:26 when I remembered what empty classroom Briar had been talking about, and then it was about five minutes to get there. I was out of breath when I walked through the doors, a condition that wasn’t helped by the sight of Briar leaning against the far wall, staring off into the distance. At the sound of the door slamming shut behind me, he started, and turned to look. A smile grew on his face, a smile that from the outside looked so sweet and tender and genuine but from the inside was horrible and terrifying and gut wrenching. I tried to quell the intense surge of panic by taking deep breath after deep breath, before letting myself take in more of his appearance.

 

            I could usually create a pretty accurate guess of how our meetings were going to go based on his attire. If he was still in his teacher robes, then it would be quick, about the same time as our after class meetings. If he was dressed casually, then I knew it would be longer, and could even involve some sort of date-like atmosphere. He liked to do that, every so often. Said he wanted to “treat me right,” which usually just meant tense laughter and under-the-table touching in candlelight. Sometimes even smuggled food from the kitchens.

 

            Those were the two main categories. But tonight, he was neither. No teacher’s robes, no casual attire. Instead, he was dressed in sleep clothes, and I thought I glimpsed a pile of linens behind him. My stomach bottomed out, terror rooting me to the spot. I didn’t want to think it, didn’t want to imagine it as a possibility, but it still infiltrated my mind.

 

            “Tori, my love,” Briar was saying, moving swiftly across the room to meet me. He swept me up in a hug that I was too shocked to return, and kissed my cheek before setting me back down. He took me by my hand, leading me back to the corner of the room he had stood in when I’d arrived. Right beside that pile of linens.

 

            “Tori, darling, I need to tell you something.” Briar whispered, flicking his wand so the linens sprang up behind him, spreading out to create a comfortable looking nest on the floor. I stared at them as they did so, unable to look away. Red. They were red, a very bright red, with white, white stars spattered garishly across them. It seemed wildly out of place with the situation, that pattern did, like something Dom might have had in her room when she was younger. Dom. _Dom._ I couldn’t stop staring at those blankets, staring and thinking, _Dom. They look like something Dom would like._

 

            “We’re going to have to put those after class meetings on hold for a little while, okay?” He saying, pulling me down onto the comfortable nest of blankest once they had arranged themselves. He pulled me into his chest and stroked my back, and I was too afraid to be glad at this news he’d shared.

 

            “The Headmistress came round my office the other day, asking about our relationship. Don’t worry, now, Tori, I’m quite certain I talked her down.” He assured me, likely in response to my sudden tensing. Briar must’ve perceived it as worry—which it partially was—and not as hope.

 

            “So I wanted to invite you out for one night before we need to be a little more careful okay, Tori? I wanted to give you something to remember, to hold onto in the meantime.” Now the fear was being steadily replaced by dread, an all-consuming dread, because I felt quite sure of what was to come next. Dread, panic, doom, it was all there as Briar began to kiss me, hard and intense, his hands wandering and wandering and wandering. This, at least, was familiar territory.

 

            But then things got worse. He appeared to have no intentions to take this slow. His hands got heavier, his breathing faster, his movements quicker. And then my school robe was coming off, and then my shirt too, and then and then and then—

 

 

 

And then Briar was gasping, panting, then collapsing over me before sliding off to the side and I was shaking. I was shaking, clenching my fists to try to still the vibrations in my bones, huddled up under the sheets and choking on air. Briar was saying something, but it seemed like there was cotton in my ears; I couldn’t hear anything other than a faint ringing. Faintly, I could tell that Briar was pulling my clothes back on, helping me stand so he could fold up the linens again.

 

            I only started to come back when Briar was leaning in front of me, kissing my forehead and saying,

 

            “That was amazing, love, wouldn’t you think? I’m going to miss you over these next few weeks, Tori.” He was leading me to the door, a hand on my back, talking about taking turns leaving. I was still shaking. But he bent and kissed me again, saying,

 

            “I’ll leave first. Wait 5 minutes, okay? I love you, Tori.” And then he was gone, like he hadn’t just taken my world, shook it up, and stomped on it. When the door closed, I fell against the wall, trying to breathe. I needed to leave. All I wanted to do was go back to my dorm, take the longest shower on record, and then cry until I passed out. But I had to get myself together if I wanted to have any chance of getting back to my dorm, so I spent the next five minutes breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, trying to make my mind as blank as possibly.

 

            There was no one in the corridor when I stepped out. _In, out_ , I thought, staring down at my feet. Just put one in front of the other, over and over. Left foot, then right, then left again, and then right. Breathe in on left foot, out on right foot. _Left, in, right, out, left, in, right, out. If I just keep to this repetition, maybe I’ll be okay. As long as—_

 

            “Vic?” I started so hard that I gasped, jerking my head up and taking several steps back. But I did it too quickly, tangling my legs up and falling rather dramatically over the cold stone floor. It was Teddy—of bloody course—who immediately rushed forward to help me up.

 

            “There you are! I’ve been trying to find you—Dom said you ran out and—Vic?” I couldn’t help it anymore. Seeing Teddy put me over the edge, and before I knew it I was sobbing. Flat out sobbing, great, big, heaving sobs that tore at my chest.

 

            “Shit, fuck, uh—” Teddy was saying, rushing forward to pull me up.

 

            “What happened? Vic, tell me, please!” Even if I wanted to, though, I couldn’t. I was crying too damn hard. There wasn’t even any air left in my lungs; I could feel that frightening light-headedness coming on, but it wasn’t like I was capable of stopping.

 

            “Um, okay, Vic, c’mon, let’s go see the Headmistress—”

 

            “N—o!” I gasped, still crying, black spots starting to appear over my vision. I was gripping at Teddy’s robes, hoping he’d get the message, because I was definitely going to pass out, and the last thing I wanted was to wake up in the Headmistress’s office.

 

            Teddy was looking at me, openmouthed and searching, but I _couldn’t stop sobbing._ I couldn’t, and I was still shaking and crying when the black spots finally did cover my entire field of vision, and I passed out. Of course, I came to barely a few seconds later. Teddy was crouching over me, face white and ghostly. My breath continued to hitch, and I was whimpering rather pathetically, but I felt a little bit better. It took a few seconds for every sense to come back. When they did, though, I noticed that Teddy’s hands were clutching my shoulders, hard and warm and desperate. Somewhere, in a detached, unemotional part of my brain, I thought how odd it was that this didn’t bother me. I had a vague notion that I ought to be uncomfortable with physical touching. Weren’t most rape victims supposed to shy away form contact?

 

           That thought, the one that said _rape victim_ almost sent me over the edge again, but I forced myself to think about Teddy’s hands on my shoulders, a steadying thing, helping me to breathe a little more deeply.

           

           “Vic, please tell me what happened. I—I won’t take you to the Headmistress or Madam Pomfrey, alright? Just tell me, please, because I can’t stand not knowing.” Teddy begged, his voice as desperate as his ragged grip on my shoulders. And I could’ve told him. I really, really could have. But now, more than ever, it was easier to not. Because I felt _dirty_ , contaminated, disgusting and ruined. I could still feel where Briar had touched me, could still feel each trace of his fingers across my skin. And I didn’t want Teddy to know. I didn’t want him to think about Briar touching me. I could see it, see the disgust forming on his face, how he’d drop his hands, back away, how I would be alone.

           

           I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

           

           I shook my head.

           

           “N-no, Teddy, no, please don’t make me tell you, pl—ease. Just, just—” I took a shaky breath, closing my eyes and putting my head to Teddy’s chest.

           

           “Take me somewhere? Not the dorms, please.” I whispered, breathing in whatever cologne it was that Teddy used.

           

           It was silent for a little while before Teddy moved, standing up and pulling me with him.

           

           “Okay, Vic. Okay. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would make my life if you commented! Love you all!


	9. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Vic, you’re my best friend. I can’t just—just ignore it when I find you sobbing in corridor and, bloody hell, Vic, I— ” He cut himself off, and from the corner of my eye, I saw him put his face in his hands.
> 
>  
> 
> “I just want to help you. Please let me.” He whispered this through the spaces between his fingers, barely audible above the snapping pops of the fire. I swallowed thickly, and turned.

            Teddy took me to the Room of Requirement. It had been our secret since my first year, when Teddy had excitedly taken me on a tour of the castle, showing me all the hidden places. Uncle Harry had told him all about the Room, even entrusting him with the Marauder’s Map (Teddy had shown me this on the platform before his first year of Hogwarts). Of course, James would be coming to school next year; I suppose the map would go to him.

 

            When we had completed the requisite three laps before the room, Teddy opened the door to show a room not unlike the Gryffindor common room. It was full of warm colors and huge, comfy chairs. There was even a fire going, and a door off to the side that, when opened, showed a huge bathroom filled with fluffy towels and what appeared to be extra clothes.

 

            I left Teddy to himself in order to take a shower. The water came out scalding hot and perfect. There was a shelf in the shower filled with dozens of different soaps, shampoos, and conditioners, all of which I used, and liberally. Over and over, I tried to wash away Briar’s touch. Half of the bottles were half gone by the time I finally called it quits, though I still felt dirty.

 

            When I stepped out of the steamy bathroom, I saw Teddy sitting in a chair by the fire, just staring into the flames. At the sound of the door, though, he lurched to his feet, coming towards me in three easy strides. Wordlessly, we fell into each other, my face pressed to his chest, his arms wrapped tight around me. A hesitant sense of peace overcame me, only intensified when Teddy leaned down to press his lips to the top of my head.

 

            It came to me then all in a rush.

 

            Everything Dom had said that evening, everything Mara had said in our dorm weeks ago, came rushing back. And every touch Teddy and I had ever shared, every moment my heart speed up around him leapt to the forefront of my mind, clear as day.

 

            _I love Teddy._

That was the truth. Not a fleeting crush, not a fragile “ _like_ like,” but love.

 

            It was so painfully obvious I could’ve laughed, though there was nothing at all very funny about this situation. Bloody hell, I was in love with my best friend, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it, because of Briar, _bloody fucking Briar_ , who was already a jealous monster without anything going on between Teddy and I, and, _god_ , he hadn’t even been angry tonight, and look what happened; what would he do if he was angry now? I didn’t want to know what line he would cross then.

 

            Faintly, I was aware that I was crying again, though there wasn’t much I could do to stop it. The shock and revulsion of earlier had not yet worn off—there was a part of me that thought it never would—but now there was hopelessness, hopeless loneliness and anger. Anger. Yes, I was angry, very angry, at Briar, for what he had done, for what he now kept from me. Because, damn it, I knew I loved Teddy, and there was nothing more I wanted to do but reach up and kiss him.

 

            But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to him. I was tainted, terrible, cowardly—and Teddy deserved so much more.

 

            So I just cried into his chest for a little while longer, moving with him to sit with him in one of the big chairs. He stroked my back, my hair, just letting me cry. When finally the tears seemed to stop, I looked up, meeting Teddy’s warm brown eyes.

 

            “Sorry for crying all over your robes.” I muttered, my voice hoarse and throat dry. Teddy shrugged, one hand still idly stroking my back.

 

            “S’okay. Are you feeling a little better now?” He asked, voice soft and careful. I nodded, wiping my eyes. I looked around for tissues, immediately spotting some within arms reach. I moved to take some, and Teddy grabbed them, yanking out a stack and handing them to me. I chuckled, scrubbing my eyes and blowing my nose before chucking the pile into the wastebasket that had appeared not three feet from the chair we sat in.

 

            “Vic…Okay, this is shitty of me to do, because I said I wouldn’t ask, but—Vic, I can’t _not_ ask. What happened?” I stiffened, turning my head away and staring into the loud, crackling flames.

 

            “I can’t, Teddy. Please don’t—”

 

            “No, Vic, c’mon!” Teddy interrupted, his voice rising with emotion. I leapt to my feet, the movement quick enough to give me a brief spell of dizziness. Teddy leaned forward, reaching for me, but I sidestepped his hands and walked to the fire, still staring at it. The bright flames were beginning to hurt my eyes, but I was scared of what would happen if I looked at Teddy.

 

            “Vic, you’re my best friend. I can’t just—just _ignore_ it when I find you sobbing in corridor and, _bloody hell_ , Vic, I— ” He cut himself off, and from the corner of my eye, I saw him put his face in his hands.

 

            “I just want to help you. Please let me.” He whispered this through the spaces between his fingers, barely audible above the snapping pops of the fire. I swallowed thickly, and turned.

 

            “Then please don’t ask me, Teddy. Just—distract me?” I asked. Teddy uttered a dry, hoarse sound that could be loosely interpreted as a chuckle. He took a deep breath and lifted his head, letting his chin rest on his hands. His eyes were distant and unfocused.

 

            “Okay. Fine. But—can I ask just one question? Do you actually have a boyfriend?” The question caught me so off guard that a laugh escaped my lips, tumbling past them to fall between us. I clapped a hand to my mouth, startled by my own reaction. But the look on Teddy’s face when I turned—wide eyes, confusion and the angst of the evening warring with a similar hysterical amusement—only brought the laughter back. We giggled, snorted, laughed and guffawed in turn for quite some time, until I was rolling on the floor and Teddy was flat in his seat.

 

            “What—wh—why did you ask me th—that?” I wheezed, wiping my eyes and trying to remember how to breathe. With the tears still caught in the corners of my eyes, the edges of my vision seemed blurred, only adding to the surreal feel the night had taken on. It seemed the night had been turned into a jigsaw puzzle, each individual piece ending in sudden, jagged edges, with no transition in between. Briar; Teddy; crying; laughing. Nothing felt right. Everything was off center, tipping, sliding. I couldn’t figure out how to right it all.

 

            But the laughing had helped. Even if it had been more out of hysteria than true amusement.

           

“What you said that day a while back—about, about the hickey?” Teddy answered, clearing his throat. I sobered up rather quickly at that.

 

            “I don’t have a boyfriend. I just said something stupid, and it got caught up in the rumor mill.”

 

            “But the hickey—”

 

            “It was an ink smudge, Teddy. Things just got out of hand and I didn’t know how to correct it.” I tried to ignore the rising feeling of guilt in my chest. I was lying to Teddy. Outright lying. This wasn’t some evasive tactic, an in-between answer. I was lying, digging myself into an even bigger hole.

 

            “And—and Briar?” He asked, staring at me. My throat seized up as I fought for an answer.

 

            “What about him?” I said, trying with all of my might to keep my face neutral, and to keep my mind from wandering back.

 

            “He didn’t—he’s not—”

 

            “He’s just a professor trying to make sure we do well on the OWL’s. He thought I was goofing off in class, and gave me detention. It was lines, nothing interesting.” I injected as much earnestness into my voice as I could. I wanted to end this line of conversation as soon as possible, to ease any suspicion Teddy might have.

 

            Teddy stared at me for a solid minute. I tried to meet his gaze squarely.

 

            “You swear?” He finally whispered. The guilt flared suddenly, vast and agonizing. Because I knew what I had to answer, though I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to lie to him again. But I had to.

 

            “Yeah. I swear.”

 

            Teddy heaved a great sigh and nodded, closing his eyes and kneading his forehead. Then he sat up and looked at me.

 

            “Right, okay. How would you like to be distracted?” Relief washed over me. For now it was over. I could take a deep breath, and try to lose myself in distraction. Sighing myself, I thought for a moment.

 

            “What about…Monopoly?” I asked. Teddy huffed a laugh and smiled.

 

            “Sure, why not.”

 

            Monopoly appeared in front of us, along with a pile of other muggle board games. Aunt Hermione had made it her goal to teach the family about some muggle traditions, along with the help of Uncle Harry. Grandpa was quite willing to let her do this, though there were lots of other family members who were far less interested.

 

            That was, until she introduced the Weasleys to the world of board games. There were now at least one day a month scheduled for a family dinner and board game night, where Monopoly was one of the most popular ones. And with a house full of Weasley tempers? That really made it fun. I think every uncle and even my dad have had to deal with Aunt Ginny’s infamous Bat Bogey Hex because they upped the rent just before she landed on one of their properties. Teddy and I especially loved Monopoly; we kept an ongoing tally of wins.

 

            We traded some rather fond memories while setting up the game, and by the time everything was ready, we were laughing. Finally everything was set up, and we readied ourselves to play.

 

            “Who’s in the lead, do you remember?” I asked, grabbing my figurine—the top hat—and placing it at go. Teddy nabbed the racecar.

 

            “Uh, I believe I was.” Teddy said with a smug look on his face. I stopped what I was doing to stare at him.

 

            “Liar! You haven’t won in at least three games!”

 

            “One, I don’t know what you’re talking about and, two, why did you ask me if you already knew?” Teddy demanded, throwing a handful of paper money at me.

 

            “I just wanted to hear you say those beautiful words.” I teased, throwing the money right back at him.

 

            “Oh, and what would that be?” He asked.

 

            “C’mon, you know what I’m talking about.”

 

            “I most certainly do not.”

 

            “Theodore Lupin, say it right this minute.”

 

            “Now you sound like my Grandmother.”

 

            “Careful now, I may actually owl her and say her grandson is being a filthy liar.” I warned, reaching for the dice.

 

            “Now come on, Teddy. Say it. Say those six delightful words you know I want to hear.” Teddy groaned, closing his eyes tight.

 

            “Fine, fine! I’ll say it: I’m losing. You’re in the lead.” I giggled at the words, and at the exaggerated look of embarrassment on Teddy’s face, even though I knew it was exaggerated for my benefit.

 

            “Okay, let’s get to it. I gotta keep my winning streak going.”

 

 

 

We fell asleep sometime after one, the fire still crackling merrily. Though when I’d closed my eyes, there’d been a fair amount of space between us, when I opened them this was no longer the case. We had migrated closer together, so close that my forehead rested against his chest. There didn’t seem to be a part of me that wasn’t touching him, or a part of him that wasn’t touching me. I stared at Teddy for a long time, watching him breathe in and out. Quite honestly, I felt like a bit of a creep, but he was still asleep, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt.

 

            But then he started to stir and I shut my eyes again in an attempt to feign sleep. I felt him move around a little bit, but I just tried to focus on breathing in and out steadily and evenly. I tried to fall asleep again, and was on my way back to dreamland when I thought I felt the faint press of lips to my forehead. But then I was asleep, and I couldn’t think about it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you guys enjoyed that chapter! There are lots more exciting (in good ways and bad) things to come ;)
> 
> Please keep commenting! I love hearing from you all!


	10. 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My heart was still pounding, fast and hard. I thought of that strange look in his eyes, the way he’d kissed my forehead when he thought I was asleep, and an idea was forming in my head. A fragile, impossible idea. An idea that should terrify me, but instead thrilled me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a nice, long chapter for you guys! I think it's a good one ;)

            _There was no air. There was a weight on my chest, a heavy weight and—no, it wasn’t just on my chest. It was everywhere, pressing down, down, down, pressing my lungs flat. And I couldn’t see anything—it was dark, black, but—no, no I could see something and it was Briar, Briar, Briar, on top of me, and I could feel him, I could feel him, and I was screaming but there was no air and no sound, only Briar laughing. Or was he talking? Because I could hear him, saying my name, saying, “Tori, Tori, my darling Tori,” over and over, echoing in my ears._

_But then the scene changed. I was standing, alone in a room, but I couldn’t make out my surroundings. Everything was blurry, indistinct. Was it Briar’s office? Was it the abandoned classroom? The Charm’s classroom? Everything kept shifting, moving, and then I realized I was naked where I stood, with nothing but my arms for cover. And it was silent, until it wasn’t, until it was filled with the sound of Briar’s voice, but I couldn’t see him, couldn’t find him and panic was rising in me, because I kept hearing his voice, his voice that boomed out from some indeterminable spot, and he kept saying, “you’re beautiful. Tori, you’re beautiful,” but I couldn’t_ find him _and it was like he was nowhere and everywhere, an omnipresent being._

_I opened my mouth, screaming, “where are you,” but again, there was no sound, no sound at all, even though I could feel the scraping burn of air being forced out of my lungs and then_

_And then he was before me, dressed in his sleep clothes, and he was smiling. His mouth wasn’t moving, but still I heard his voice. His smile grew, and grew, and grew, stretching past his face, widening into a grin, a leer, an open-mouthed beam that grew past my head and below my feet, moving closer, closer, closer. I wanted to turn, to run, but my feet were stuck and fear was pressing at the walls of my stomach, filling my head, clogging my throat. The mouth kept growing, moving steadily towards me, until it had closed over top of me and everything was black, dark, but_ his voice _, I could still hear his voice and—_

 

            I woke with a scream, a scream so hard it felt as though my throat would split in two. I sat up in bed, the panic of the nightmare still clinging to my skin, violently ripping my sheets off of me and tossing them to the side. I didn’t want anything touching me, didn’t want to feel that weight on my body. When at last the only thing touching me was the thin material of my pajamas, I stopped, breathing hard. My heart was racing, and there were tears in my eyes. One or two had already slipped down my cheek; I could feel the wet tracks they left behind.

 

            I closed my eyes.

 

            It was the sixth nightmare this week. One for every night so far. As it had been ever since the night that followed my impromptu sleepover with Teddy in the Room of Requirement. Taking a long, rattling breath, I leaned over to pull the curtains back a bit, peering outside. All my dorm mates appeared undisturbed, though, which was a small relief. After the first screaming nightmare, when I’d woken up nearly everyone in Gryffindor Tower, I put up nearly every silencing spell I could think of. They had worked every night without an issue, but I couldn’t keep myself from making sure.

 

            I glanced at the clock before letting my curtain swing shut again. 2:46 in the morning. I sighed and collapsed back against my pillows, a wave of exhaustion fighting the residual panic of the nightmare.

 

            It was October 30th. It had been forty-one days since that night with Briar. He had not touched me at all in those forty-one days, and that should’ve made me happy. But it had instead been the worst forty-one days of my life. The morning after that night in the Room of Requirement, Teddy and I lumbered back into Gryffindor Tower. Thankfully, it was during breakfast on a Saturday, so there wasn’t anyone there to see us, but there was still the fact that Teddy had not slept in his dorm, and neither had I. Which meant that the rumors of me dating someone turned into a rumor of me dating Teddy (largely in part to Mara screeching this when she saw us later that day). This, of course, led to a panic attack right in the middle of the common room, as I stuttered, “the—the library, I fell asleep in the li—library,” and freaked out over the thought of this rumor getting back to Briar.

 

            This didn’t exactly stop Mara from thinking Teddy and I were an item, but it did derail her celebrations. What did stop her from thinking we were an item was the weeks that followed. Because I could hardly stand to be around Teddy. All of our casual touching we had done all of our lives suddenly felt different. I couldn’t lay my head against his chest without thinking about kissing him. I could not sit in the same chair without wondering what it would be like to bury my face into the crook of his neck and fall asleep in his arms.

 

            (This was especially messed up because I had done this before. Multiple times. Falling asleep in Teddy’s arms was a very common thing. It was just that now I couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop wanting it, couldn’t stop remembering every time I had done just so in the past).

 

            Most of all, I couldn’t look him in the eye without wondering if he could see it. If he could see the stain of Briar on me. If he could see that I was ruined. Broken. Worthless. Destroyed.

 

            I sighed shakily, furiously rubbing my eyes as if this would rub away the thoughts. I let myself fall back against my pillows, hoping to fall asleep again. Tomorrow—no, today—was going to be a big day. It would’ve been really fantastic if I didn’t have to deal with only a handful of hours of sleep, for the forty-first time in a row.

 

            But of course not. Of course I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again.

 

 

 

“What do you think about this one?” Mara was holding up a dress of deep maroon, draping it against herself as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. The color looked fantastic against her skin, and I could already tell that Mara had decided on it.

 

            “It looks great,” I said, pretending to look like I was shopping so she wouldn’t berate me about being boring again. I was trying to save my energy. We hadn’t been in Hogsmeade very long, and I knew an entire day of shopping still lay before me.

 

            “You’re not even looking, Vic.” Mara said, sounding more exasperated than frustrated. After forty-one days, she’d moved past frustration and gotten used to this new, moody Vic. I turned to look at her, making sure she saw it.

 

            “Like I said—it looks great. That color is awesome against your skin. Do you still have those black tights? They’d really work well together.” Mara narrowed her eyes at me, as if she was trying to tell if I was mocking her or not. But then she looked back at the dress she held, and apparently decided what I’d said was true.

 

            “Yeah, I do have those tights…Okay, I think I have my outfit for the party tonight!” Mara announced, happily folding the dress over her arm and turning to look at me. I’d been perusing a rack of hats, running my fingers over the soft velvet of each one, around the edges of stars, moons, suns. I could tell Mara was staring at the conspicuous lack of an outfit over my arm, and was on the verge of saying something about it. Only, Dom rounded a rack of clothes just then, interrupting everything in that dramatic Dom way of hers. Usually, she wouldn’t have tagged along on a shopping excursion with Mara and I—she had her own group of friends—but I knew that she knew something was up. She knew and she wasn’t about to let it go.

 

            Dom had always been skilled at commanding a room, and she used every ounce of this skill when she rounded that corner. She held two bags, one over each arm, both clearly containing outfits. One was clear plastic—this one she shoved into my hands—while the other was a store bag.

 

            “Try that on. It’s perfect for you.” She said, by way of greeting.

 

            “Did you already buy your costume? What is it?” I asked, putting the plastic bag beneath my arm and looking around for a fitting room. It wasn’t worth fighting her on this.

 

            “Yep, I bought it.” Dom said, without any elaboration. She turned to Mara, analyzing the dress still held in her hands.

 

            “You know this is a Halloween party, right? As in, you’re supposed to dress up?” Mara nodded.

 

            “Yeah, but I look bloody fantastic in this. And—look,” she said, pulling something off a nearby rack and holding it up. It was black cat ear headband and tail.

 

            “Here’s my costume. I’m a sexy cat. Classic.” Dom rolled her eyes, though it seemed to be out of more fond exasperation than anything unkind. She looked back at me, making a show of noticing how I had not moved an inch.

 

            “Fitting rooms are behind you, Vic.” She said pleasantly.

 

            I pursed my lips but didn’t argue, turning around and heading in the direction that Dom had indicated. There was indeed a bright, shiny sign right there, with a neat little hand pointing to a pair of doors beneath it. I sighed, feeling horribly exhausted. And it wasn’t even the night of the party yet. I sighed again, a little deeper this time, as I walked in the door and went about trying to figure out what Dom thought would be “perfect for me.”

 

            When I actually looked at the front of the crinkly plastic bag, I had to choke back a laugh. In big, artistically scrawled letters, was the name Amata. As in, Amata from Beedle the Bard’s _The Fountain of Fair Fortune_. Beside the name was an artist’s rendering of Amata, and what I presumed the costume was supposed to look like—long, flowing, beautiful, at least in theory. I knew that Dom was great with outfits and would never steer me wrong on that front, but some of me wondered if her reason for choosing me was at least in part due to the fact that _The Fountain of Fair Fortune_ was my favorite story of the Bard’s.

 

            Apparently I used to act the story out as a young girl. I don’t remember doing it, but Mum and Dad—and _all_ my uncles and aunts—have often regaled me with tales of how I would drape myself in a sheet and prance around as Amata. And, well—it’s not too hard to imagine whom I made Teddy play. The memory made me blush scarlet, those damnable Weasley genes turning my face to the precise shade of a ripe tomato.

 

            So it was with a little trepidation that I pulled that costume up over my head, smoothing it down and looking at myself in the mirror. Even I had to admit it wasn’t half-bad. It was cheap—there was no denying that—but it didn’t _look_ cheap, which was a feat I hadn’t expected it to pull off. The dress was pale blue with gold and white detail, which was elegant instead of cheesy. Really, the biggest issue was the lack of curves I had to fill it.

 

            A sudden knock on the door startled me.

 

            “Vic? What’s taking so long?” Mara called.

 

            “I’m coming, I’m coming,” I said, reaching for the handle and stepping out. Vic and Mara were both watching expectantly and, upon seeing me, had immediate reactions. Mara screeched loud enough that the shopkeeper popped her head around a corner with a shrewd glare, not that Mara saw or cared. Then she beamed and giggled, jumping up and down while waving the cat ear headband she still held in her hand. Beside her, Dom just gave a big, satisfied, knowing smile, and nodded confidently.

 

            “Vic, you look great, oh my god!” Mara said, reaching forward to run a hand down the sleeve of the dress.

 

            “You are buying it, right? You’d be mad not too! If you don’t buy it, I will, and force you—”

 

            “Bloody hell, Mara, yes, I’m buying it, don’t worry.” I promised with a laugh, turning to step back inside the changing room and hoping that Mara wouldn’t get us kicked out before I could actually follow through on this promise. Once back in the little room, I took another look at myself in the mirror. It had been a while since I’d really, truly _looked_ at my own appearance. Normally, I avoided mirrors, not because of any self-esteem issue though. The Veela genes from my mother ran strong in my siblings and I—that had always been obvious. No, I tended to avoid the mirror during the school year because of how obvious it was to me that I was unhappy. It seemed I could always see the ghost of Briar in my eyes, in the shadows beneath them. And now, it was more obvious than ever.

 

            In the mirror, I looked… _gaunt_. There was no other word for it. My cheekbones stuck out sharply, my normally pale skin seemed positively ashen, and what the dress’s neckline showed of my chest and shoulders looked nearly skeletal. At least the dress hid the rest of my body, so no one would be able to tell quite where the dress _hung_ instead of _hugged._ I was fragile. Sickly. At this rate, Dad really would curse Teddy when break came around.

 

            Suddenly the idea of going to the annual Gryffindor Halloween Bash seemed absolutely exhausting.

 

 

 

The Gryffindor Halloween Bash was a Big Thing, capital B capital T. Every year that I’d been at Hogwarts, the upper classmen would spend all day tricking out the common room in preparation. 5:30 was the Halloween Feast, and 9 o’clock was the party. It was a tradition that every Gryffindor cherished, and one that was kept tightly under wraps. Technically, parties of this kind were entirely against the rules, especially considering the fact that this party was legendary for carrying on into the wee hours of the morning.

 

            This was the first year that I didn’t want to go.

 

            Usually, I relished this party. It was a couple of hours with my friends, where I could goof off, have fun, and pretend that Briar was just a spooky ghost story in the back of my head. But now? Now, it just meant the common room would be full and crowded and _loud_ , and that I would be expected to be among all of that. I would be expected to have fun, to laugh and smile like what had happened 41 days ago _hadn’t_. And I didn’t think I could do that.

 

            But Mara wasn’t going to leave me alone. Actually, no one was. Even with the distance I’d put between Teddy and I recently, if I skipped this party, there was no way he’d continue to swallow my lies about being okay. Dom might just force veriteserum down my throat and tear the truth out of me.

 

            So that was why, come 9:30, I was standing in my room dressed in my Amata costume, curling my hair around the tip of my wand. Mara was there helping me with my makeup, having already put herself together. She looked fantastic, smoky eye shadow making her dark eyes pop and burgundy lips that matched her dress. And the cat ear headband was cute, I had to give her that.

 

            “There! I’m done!” Mara said excitedly, still brandishing the makeup brush in one hand. I looked to the mirror to inspect what she’d done—natural eye shadow, rosy cheeks, and pink-red lips that made my look exactly like Amata in nearly every storybook illustration I’d ever seen. I smiled at her in the mirror.

 

            “Thank you Mara—this is great!” I told her, hoping I sounded more excited than I felt. If I didn’t, though, Mara didn’t show it—she was jumping up and down on the balls of her feet.

 

            “Okay now, c’mon! Let’s go! I can hear the music; it’s starting!” I sighed and stood up, knowing I couldn’t stall anymore. All the other girls in our room had gone down ages ago. Mara rushed down the stairs, and I traipsed slowly down after her, already trying to hunt down a quiet corner for me to hunker down in for a while.

 

            But no.

 

            “Vic! Over here!” Came Teddy’s loud, laughter-filled voice. He was standing by the fireplace with some of his seventh year friends—sans Greg, of course—looking up at me.

 

            I know it sounds cliché, but looking at him, I had a moment. Because he looked _good_. He was a vampire, having made his hair black, his eyes dark, and his skin really pale. There was even a trickle of blood coming from the right side of his mouth, to his chin.

 

            I swallowed and hoped my _moment_ hadn’t been too obvious.

 

            “Nice costume,” I said when I’d finally made my way across the room to him. I was having a hard time looking him in the eye, and I knew it was probably really obvious to everyone around me.

 

            “You too, um…is that an Amata costume?” Teddy asked, and he sounded just as nervous and unsure as me. I made myself look up then and meet his eyes. Today they were dark obsidian, which matched his vampire persona perfectly. There was something in his gaze, something off about the way he looked at me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

 

            “Yeah, it is. Dom picked it out for me. Do you know where she is, by the way? She wouldn’t show me her costume.” With that funny look still in his eyes, Teddy nodded and pointed behind me. Turning, I was rather shocked by what I saw. Dom stood on a back wall of the common room with three of her friends. She was wearing a burnt sienna dress that went to about mid-thigh. She had her strawberry blonde hair in some fancy updo I would not have been able to figure out, and it was adorned with a colorful, stylish headband of fall leaves. Even from here, I could see the gold glitter eye shadow, the coral lips, the delicate blush. She looked fantastic. Beside her, each of her friends wore a different season. With Dom as autumn, there was winter beside her, then spring on her other side, and summer next to winter. They were happy, standing together and laughing over drinks.

 

            An intense feeling of wistfulness stole over me in that instant. A wistfulness for what I had missed out on, what I had given up in order to make sure my sister was protected. But there was a strange bit of happiness too, though—happiness that I was succeeding. That Dom was protected from Briar. That he could not hurt her like he had hurt me. This wistfulness was worth that.

           

            “Vic? Hello? Are you listening to me?” Teddy asked, without any heat. In fact, there was a little concern in his voice, which snapped me back to reality.

           

            “No, sorry. What?” I said, trying to figure out what he’d said. When I looked around, I realized that we were alone. Mara had walked away with Teddy’s friends and, from the look she was giving me, it seemed that this had been the plan all along. I shot her a glare that she only laughed at before turning back to Teddy.

 

            “I was just saying, uh, that—here, let’s go over here, okay? I wanted to talk.” Without waiting for me to respond—which, I think, was because he was afraid I’d protest—he pulled me away to a quiet corner of the room. It was getting closer to 10 o’clock now, so the party was well under way. The music was turned up, people were dancing, laughing, having a good time. No one was paying attention to us. I think even Mara had lost track of us.

 

            Teddy stopped finally, and turned to face me.

 

            “I wanted to talk about the night we spent in the Room of Requirement.”

 

            My heart sped up so quickly I thought there was a real possibility of it beating right out of my chest. But while my heart was running away, my mind had slowed to a halt. I couldn’t think of what to say or do that would dissuade Teddy from this line of conversation.

 

            There was also the issue that, now that I had looked him in the eye once, I didn’t seem able to look away. He was so earnest, so concerned and caring, and I wanted to tell him everything.

 

            But of course, I couldn’t.

 

            The only times I wasn’t looking at his eyes, my gaze couldn’t stop from flitting down to his lips.

 

            “It’s just—what happened? I know you don’t want to say, but, c’mon, Vic! I find you crying in a corridor, the first thing you do when we get to the Room of Requirement is take a _shower_ , we spend that night together, and then you don’t even talk to me for forty-two days.” He stopped to take a breath, still meeting my eyes like he hoped that would draw the answer out of me.

 

            “It’s—OWLs, you know? I was coming back from the library and I just felt like I’d never be able to get ahead of this homework, and I—didn’t handle it well.” It was a shitty excuse, but it was also the first one I could think of. I was a fifth year, after all. OWLs suck.

 

            Watching Teddy’s face, though, I could tell he didn’t quite believe me. I think he wanted to—it was an easy out. It fit well enough. It would be easy to accept this story and move on.

 

            _Please. Please, just believe it._

 

            “Okay. OWL stress. Okay.”

 

            _Please. Please._

 

            Teddy looked at me, holding my gaze for a long, long time. In that moment, I realized how much I had missed him.

 

            _Please. Please._

 

            “Well then. Nothing like the Gryffindor Halloween Bash to take off the edge, huh?” I laughed, relieved, and nodded.

 

            “But—bloody hell, there is one thing I can’t not talk about, Vic.”

 

            _No._

 

            “That night—when we slept together—er, no, goddamn it,” Teddy spluttered, finally breaking my gaze and looking away, clearly flustered. With the paleness of his skin, I could see the blush spreading throughout his face. My heart was still pounding, fast and hard. I thought of that strange look in his eyes, the way he’d kissed my forehead when he thought I was asleep, and an idea was forming in my head. A fragile, impossible idea. An idea that should terrify me, but instead thrilled me.

 

            Teddy laughed, that embarrassed, self-conscious kind of laugh.

 

            “Not _sleep together_ but, you know, sleep in the same place and—fuck. This isn’t the right time to say this,” Teddy sighed, looking up and

 

            Our eyes met.

 

            It’s cheesy and cliché, but

 

            Our eyes met. Our eyes met, and my heart slowed, my breathing eased. Some part of my brain was telling me to stop, to turn and run, because this wasn’t a good idea. It was hard enough being best friends with Teddy when I couldn’t tell him about Briar. Being more than that? Impossible. But there was a warm feeling unfurling in my stomach, an odd sensation that took me a moment to place. Happiness? Giddiness? Love? Excitement? Some odd combination? Whatever it was, it grew and grew as Teddy held my gaze, slowly moving closer to me. He reached a hand out and brushed a finger from my forehead to my jaw. A flush followed the line his finger made. He bent his head, and pressed his lips to mine.

 

            And I kissed back. Everywhere we touched, it felt like there was a spark, a flame, and suddenly, I thought, _so this is what a kiss is supposed to be like._ Because I’d read about kisses in books, how they were supposed to feel, and, finally, I saw that those weren’t lies. They were right.

 

            In that moment, I couldn’t even be afraid of what would come after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! I'm about two chapters ahead of you all, and I've just written some very interesting things that I can't wait to show everyone. Tell me what you think! It seriously makes my life whenever I get comments!


	11. Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beside the fear, though, the fear and sadness and anger, was a fragile line of hope, a golden thread I might be able to follow out of the labyrinth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized it's been a whole year (and change) since I updated--sorry! I was trying to stay ahead of the chapters, which means I've had a chapter or two hanging out for a while, and I figured I might as well post one. Hope you guys enjoy!

            The moment we broke apart, I realized the gravity of what we’d just done. Fear settled over my shoulders, a familiar friend.

 

            So what did I do? I ran.

 

            I ran, with Teddy following after a few shocked seconds, calling out,

 

            “Wait! Vic!” Though, thankfully, the common room was loud enough that no one really noticed. I ignored Teddy, of course, running through the portrait hole and scrambling to figure out where to go. It also occurred to me the moment I burst out of the portrait hole that curfew was in minutes, if it hadn’t already passed. Which meant that I needed to find a hiding spot. And fast.

 

            Behind me, the portrait swung open, spitting out the disgruntled Teddy. I cursed, picking up my skirts and sprinting down the corridor. I had a destination in mind, but for it to work, I had to get there first.

 

            “C’mon, Vic, you can’t just—run!” Teddy said, just loud enough for me to hear it. He didn’t want to get caught out after curfew either. I took a deep breath, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, but—

 

            When it came down to it, I was 5’3” and wearing a cumbersome Amata costume; Teddy was 6’2” and wearing pants. It was only a matter of time before Teddy caught up to me, gently grabbing a hold of my arm. We stopped, breathing heavily, the sound seemingly magnified in this silent, echoing corridor. When it was clear that I didn’t mean to take off running again, Teddy dropped my arm.

 

            I refused to meet Teddy’s eyes.

 

            “Vic, look at me.” I kept staring at a strand of his black hair, standing crookedly above the rest. Teddy put a hand beneath my chin, cradling my jaw, and softly moved my face so I would look at him. He’d changed his eyes again, to that soft brown color I loved. He looked so confused, and maybe a little sad, so a flush of self-hatred rose up in me, strong and impossible to ignore. I did that. I hurt him. I hurt my best friend.

 

            Teddy was watching me, waiting for me to say something, but I was quite frozen where I stood. I thought perhaps I was shaking, but if I was it must have been from somewhere inside, in some quiet, indefinable place, because my fingers were quite still at my sides.

 

            Teddy was still looking at me. Brown eyes.

 

            “You can’t—you can’t just runaway, not when I—not after—” Teddy broke off, scrubbing a hand over his mouth and looking away. The lines of his body were pulled taut, nearly shaking with emotion. He was silent for several moments, and I just stood, trying to get my own emotions in check—and failing.

 

            Suddenly, there was a sound a little ways off. It was a soft sound, barely audible. Teddy and I both froze, waiting for the sound to repeat itself. It did, a moment later, loud enough for us to know what it was: Mrs. Norris’ meow.

 

            “Bloody hell,” Teddy hissed, looking wildly around for a place to hide.

 

            “Okay, um—” He broke off, now desperately casting his gaze around for an escape route. I sighed and grabbed his arm, pulling him down a nearby corridor. Clearly, there was no way for me to avoid this conversation, and if I was to have it, I at least didn’t want to find myself facing detention too. I led Teddy through the silent corridors wordlessly for a little bit, until he caught on to where we were heading. In a few minutes, we had reached our destination: The Room of Requirement.

 

            Once inside—the room had transformed itself into a cozy sitting area, though different than before, for which I was grateful—I walked quickly away from Teddy, to the opposite corner. I could hear Teddy behind me, but I couldn’t turn to look at him. Not yet. Not now. If Teddy wanted to talk, he would have to speak first, because it seemed that I had forgotten how.

 

            Of course, Teddy somehow knew this. He also somehow knew not to try to touch me now. He didn’t even ask me to look at him. I just heard him fall into a seat somewhere behind me, silent for a few seconds.

 

            “Vic, we’ve known each other since…Well, forever, really. We’ve known each other forever, and—and I think I’ve been in love with you for every second of that time.” I spun around, startled and not a little unbelieving of the words I had just heard. Teddy wasn’t looking at me; his gaze was fixed on the wall in front of him. He held a hand over his mouth, his thumb idly brushing his lips. My lips burned suddenly at the memory of our kiss.

 

            He did not speak for some time. It was painfully silent in the room, until—

 

            Teddy leapt to his feet, striding across the room towards me. He stopped several feet short of me, giving me room to move. I didn’t. I stood quite still, watching him. His face was anxious, emotion constantly rippling behind those damnable brown eyes, emotions I felt in myself. Beside the fear, though, the fear and sadness and anger, was a fragile line of hope, a golden thread I might be able to follow out of the labyrinth. _I think I’ve been in love with you for every second of that time._

 

            “Maybe I’m selfish, Vic, but I can’t just _ignore_ what just happened when I _know_ you feel the same way.” Teddy went on, sounding so wretched that I wanted to cry. I could feel the tears building behind my eyes.

 

            “How do you know that I feel the same way?” I asked, my voice thick. Suddenly Teddy was closer, though I didn’t see the moment he had taken those steps. Nor did I see the moment he took my hands in his. One moment my hands were cold, and the next, they were warm. Sparks flew, I could feel them, a fragile flame that grew between our united palms.

 

            “Your kiss—or, I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, not really, I just—I can tell. Are you telling me you don’t?” Teddy whispered. He was close enough now that I could feel the whisper of his breath across my face. It felt as if there was a magnet in me, a magnet that was pulling me towards Teddy. It was taking all of my willpower not to fold into him, to brush away the distance between us and bury my face in his chest. Something of this must have shown on my face, because then I felt his hand, on my face, brushing my cheekbone. It felt so good, and I closed my eyes, leaning into the touch.

 

            I felt the faint brush of Teddy’s lips at my temple, but—

 

            _Briar’s face, Briar’s lips, his hands, touching me, pulling my clothes, tugging them off, touching, searching—_

I tore away from Teddy with a shuddering sob. I felt dirty, dirty all over, again, disgusting, filthy, horrible—

 

            “I—I can’t, Teddy. I’m not—I’m not worthy, I’m _worthless_ ,” I gasped, holding myself around my middle, bent nearly double with the weight of, of… _everything_.

 

            “I’m, I’m—” But I didn’t know what else to say. Dirty? Used up? Broken? All true, though each one got stuck in my mouth, caught in the back of my throat like razor blades in bad Halloween candy.

 

            But then—arms. Gentle arms, soft arms, not Briar’s arms— _Teddy’s_ arms, wrapping around me, picking me up, holding me close and gentle. I knew those arms. I knew that embrace. I’d felt it a million times, been comforted by it a million times, and I couldn’t stop myself from falling into it. Because he wasn’t Briar, he wasn’t, and how could I have ever confused them, even for a moment? It was Teddy holding me, and it was Teddy whispering into my ear, saying,

 

            “No, no, _no_ , not worthless, _never_ worthless,” And it was sweet and it was kind, but he didn’t _know_ , not really. I opened my mouth, because he had to see, to _understand_ , to know how broken I was.

 

            “But—you have to know, I’m—I’m not _good enough_ , I’m—”

 

            “Vic, there’s nothing you could say that would make me change my mind.” Teddy said.

 

            “I love you, okay? That’s not changing.” I had not truly realized I was crying until that moment, when the tears stopped. That thread of hope strengthened, burned bright, golden and beautiful. There was some part of me, some thought in the back of my mind that said this was not a good idea. Teddy still didn’t understand, not really. He still didn’t know. It would be wrong to lie to him. It would be wrong, and I knew, logically, that no relationship founded on lies could last. But that warm, golden thread of hope was within reach. Teddy was within reach. Happiness was within reach.

 

            I turned in Teddy’s arms, reaching up, wrapping my arms around his neck, and pressed my lips to his.

 

            Though caught a little unawares, Teddy was quick on the uptake. His arms tightened around me, one hand winding through my hair, the other on my shoulder, hard and steady. Warmth bloomed in my chest, glorious and strong, delirious and delightful. When we broke apart, we both were breathing hard, but smiling.

 

            “Do you know how long I have wanted to do that?” Teddy asked. Though there was no one in the room, he whispered.

 

            “I think I have an idea.” I said, a breath of laughter in my voice. Teddy was idly playing with my hair while I traced patterns on his arm. It was silent for a few moments, both of us settling further into each other and trying to figure out precisely what had just happened. Somehow we had ended up on the floor, tucked away in a corner of the room. I was sitting between Teddy’s outstretched legs, my head resting on his chest. But then Teddy began to chuckle, a soft laugh that I felt more than I heard. I hummed inquisitively, a question.

 

            “Merlin’s beard, can you imagine what Mara will say when she finds out?” The fragile peace around me cracked and fell like broken glass.

 

            If Mara found out, then Dom would too. Teddy’s friends would follow. Then all of Gryffindor, and every house after. By the end of my first class, every professor would know too. Briar would know. At that thought, a myriad of scenarios played out, showing all of the different ways that Briar could react. All terrible. All horrible.

 

            I swallowed. How could I get out of this without scaring Teddy away?

 

            “What if we didn’t tell anyone?” I blurted out. I couldn’t see Teddy’s face, but I could feel him stiffen, confused.

 

            “Why?”

 

            “Just…it’ll be so much drama. I mean, Mara won’t let it go for forever, the school won’t stop talking about it and it’s just so much drama. What if we skipped all of that and just kept it a secret? For a little while?” I turned my head so I could see Teddy’s face. He didn’t seem upset or hurt; instead, he was considering. Then he shrugged and looked back down at me, smiling.

 

            “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. Figure this out first, right?” Then Teddy’s face clouded, for a moment, looking almost nervous.

 

            “This…this is a thing, right? You’re not going to just leave this room and then pretend this never happened?”

 

            Honestly, that would be the smarter thing to do. Shut this down, close it out, walk off and turn my back. It would be safer. For me. Maybe for Teddy. But thinking about it, if Teddy was selfish, then I was definitely bloody selfish. Because even though I knew that this, whatever it was, could explode in both of our faces, now that I’d had a taste, I couldn’t walk away. Because this, whatever it was, felt… _right_. Beautiful. And I was scared, terrified, but it was the kind of scared that was excited too, the kind of scared that was a lot like happiness.

 

            I sat up a little, leaned forward, and kissed Teddy again. When we broke apart, I whispered against his lips.

 

            “No, I won’t. This is definitely a _thing_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought that might be a slightly happier note for you guys to hang out on. I am not officially back or anything, but I am going to try to give you guys more soon! Tell me what you guys think! I still love all of your comments!
> 
> And seriously, thank you to my ever-so-patient readers. You guys are amazing <3


	12. Fickle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was magical the way I did not fear the coming day. It was magical the way I realized the ever-present nausea was suddenly not present. It was magical the way I was hungry. It was magical the way my stomach fizzed and fluttered when Teddy opened his eyes and smiled at me. It was magical the way he tipped his head forward to kiss my nose, quick and sweet, and the way he grinned at the blush that followed.

         Hogwarts started to feel like home again after that night in the Room of Requirement. We had stayed there, huddled together in a giggling heap of smiles and kisses, for perhaps an hour before sneaking back to the party. It was still in full swing when we got back, with no one the wiser for our absence. We found our friends and told them our fight had been resolved, and with the noise, activity, ever-flowing butter beer, and overall party excitement, it was easy to fit back into the general pandemonium. We laughed with our friends, danced together, bumped into each other, and finally fell asleep together among dozens of other Gryffindors on the common room floor. When I woke up the next morning, my head rested on Teddy’s chest and my stomach still hurt from the laughter.

 

         It was magical.

 

         It was magical the way I did not fear the coming day. It was magical the way I realized the ever-present nausea was suddenly _not_ present. It was magical the way I was _hungry_. It was magical the way my stomach fizzed and fluttered when Teddy opened his eyes and smiled at me. It was magical the way he tipped his head forward to kiss my nose, quick and sweet, and the way he grinned at the blush that followed.

 

         “Morning,” He whispered, his voice rough with sleep. I could feel the vibration of his voice where my head lay on his chest. The sensation sent an odd little thrill through me.

 

         “Morning,” I whispered back. The sunlight streaming through the windows was fragile and new; it was still early in the morning. Everything was silent in the room, apart from the sifting sounds of sleeping students. I felt like we were in our own secret little world. It was one that I did not want to leave.

 

         Teddy glanced around the room, taking in the scene. Then he turned back to me.

 

         “What about some breakfast? Before everyone wakes up?” He suggested. I nodded, and slowly, quietly, moved to stand together. Wordlessly—because we’d always been in sync—we separated to head up to our dormitories. Neither one of us wanted to go to the Great Hall still wearing our costumes, even if no one was likely to be awake yet.

 

         Within ten minutes, we were walking out of the portrait hole and down the corridor. It was quiet, that companionable quiet that was so easy between us. That had always been so easy between us. I chanced a glance over at Teddy, a flood of warmth growing when I found him looking back. The warmth grew to the point where I couldn’t look at him. I was blushing. I was actually _blushing_ around Teddy, damn it, a fact that had a giggle springing up into my throat. A giggle. A bloody _giggle_ about being around this boy I’d known my whole life.

 

         “What?” Teddy asked, his voice slightly hushed. This felt like a morning for hushed tones, whispered voices, quiet conversations. This felt like something…sacred. Something holy.

 

         “ _What_?” Teddy asked again, laughter in his voice. This time I actually did giggle, which only got louder when Teddy joined in, throwing an arm around me and pulling me into his side.

 

         “Nothing, nothing! I’m just,” but I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. My face was ridiculously red, and my cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling so hard. Teddy pressed a kiss to the top of my head, whispering, “I know,” against my hair. He took his arm away as we rounded a corner to the Great Hall; I compensated for the sudden lack of contact by walking as close to him as possible without tripping either of us up. The smile on his face told me he noticed what I was doing.

 

         _Happy._ That’s what I was.

 

 

 

This happiness carried me through the rest of the week. Monday dawned cold and somber, a dreary November 2nd. But when I walked down the stairs in the common room, it was to see Teddy’s smile as he waited to walk with us to the Great Hall. And even though Tuesday opened to thick fog and dark skies, Teddy’s hand brushed mine, over and over, when we walked together between classes behind Mara. Wednesday, Briar smiled at me and held me after class just long enough to kiss my cheek—but then Teddy and I sat together during lunch, and he didn’t ask me why I didn’t talk. He just sat beside me, ladling food onto my plate when I refused to, and watching me until I finally did eat.

 

         (Which is exactly what he’s always done. How I’ve never noticed this is beyond me.)

 

         Thursday, Briar ‘helped’ me learn the proper wand motions for a new spell—but Teddy was waiting for me outside the class, and as we walked to lunch, Teddy talked and joked with me until I finally talked and joked back. Friday Briar kissed me for exactly ten seconds (I washed my mouth out in the bathroom for exactly ten minutes)—but Teddy and I instigated a marathon game of Monopoly that night in the common room.

 

         (I won. Well, I won the first time. And then Mara somehow won. And then Teddy’s friend Liam won—but he’s a muggleborn, so I’ll give him that one. And then no game lasted longer than fifteen minutes because every game we played kept deteriorating into madness.)

 

         Saturday was the first quidditch match of the season, between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Gryffindor caught the snitch, and in all the tumult, Teddy held my hand between us. For the rest of the day, I ignored my homework and Liam showed everyone how Frisbees worked out on the grounds. Twice, the Frisbee fell into the lake and the giant squid had to toss it back. Once it got stuck in the boughs of the Whomping Willow. Only the once, though, because after that we gave up and went back inside. Before I finally slipped up to my dorm, Teddy whispered,

 

         “One week,” and Teddy kissed my hand when no one was looking. I couldn’t stop the stupid smile spreading over my face.

 

         Sunday rolled around, and I was terrified for the coming school week—but Teddy kissed me in a quiet corner of the school, in the still quiet of the morning. Sunday, Teddy and I studied in the library. Sunday, Teddy and I played footsie whenever Madam Pince passed us. Sunday, Teddy and I kissed and giggled in between homework assignments. This time, I literally had ink smudges along my fingers—and Teddy along his neck.

 

         But Sunday afternoon, when we finally trailed back to the common room, Mara gave us a _look_ that made my stomach roll. And during Sunday dinner, Briar sat watching me from the staff table, so I couldn’t so much as look at Teddy without a glare appearing on his face. My hands started to shake so much that, halfway through dinner, I gave up and excused myself from the table with an, “I’m tired. Think I’ll turn in early.” I tried to ignore the heavy feeling of both Briar and Teddy’s gaze on my back as I left the Great Hall.

 

         Sunday night, I dreamed of Briar.

 

         Monday morning, I woke up crying Teddy’s name.

 

         That day in Charms, Briar held me back.

 

 

 

 

I sat silent in my seat, waiting for the room to clear out. Briar was standing at the door, laughing and idly joking, being perfectly _charming_ as he wished his students a good day.

 

         He liked to wish me a good day too. He just did it a little differently.

 

         Briar finally turned back to me. The class door swung shut behind him, loud and echoing against the stone walls.

 

         I swallowed. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. He hadn’t even touched me, and my skin was crawling. This wasn’t like last week. Last week, he’d kissed me, but it was quick. He’d pulled be behind the door and kissed me, whispering after about how much he missed me. And then he’d sent me on my way.

 

         This…This was different. Now he had something planned, something more than an impromptu kiss because he “missed the feel of my lips.” No, this was something more.

 

         Vaguely, I was aware that I was shaking. A hand was on my shoulder, a hand, his hand, Briar’s hand, and I—

 

         _Stars. White stars on red—_

_Sheets. Sheets spread out and—_

_Briar. Briar pulling me down—_

_Hands. Pulling off clothes and—_

_And and and and and—_

 

Briar was holding me to as his chest as I trembled, too scared to even cry. Or breathe.

 

“It’s okay, Tori, my darling. It’s okay. I missed you too.” He said, and then his hands began to move. They moved and roved, searching, and then so did his lips, and no, _no_ , he was bolder now, bolder and braver.

 

I didn’t stop shaking, even when it was over.

 

At the door, Briar whispered, “we still have to be careful, Tori, my dear, but I just couldn’t go another day without touching you.” And he smiled, wide and brilliant, so for a moment I remembered my nightmares. But then he sent me out, saying, “go on; I don’t want you to miss lunch.”

_Okay, okay, just hold it together long enough to get to Gryffindor Tower, just breathe, breathe, breathe—_

 

“T—Teddy?” I faltered, surprised to see Teddy leaning against the opposite wall. Thankfully, Briar was safely inside his office, too far to have heard who was here. Teddy smiled when he saw me, pushing off the wall to meet me halfway.

 

“Mara said Briar’d kept you and I—Vic? Are you okay?” It was that night—that _goddamn night_ —all over again, because I couldn’t _bloody_ _stop myself_ from falling to pieces, right there, in the middle of a corridor in the middle of a Monday. The shaking tremors had intensified, and now, finally, came the tears, slipping quickly down my face without much fanfare. I wasn’t sobbing. I was just crying. And I couldn’t figure out how to stop it. And I needed to stop it. I needed to _stop bloody crying_ because Teddy was looking at me, watching me, and I knew he desperately wanted to know what was wrong, so he could help me put my pieces back together.

 

But I couldn’t tell him. The words were there, at the tip of my tongue, like always, but…I couldn’t tell him.

 

“Here, come here, and I’ll—” Teddy cut himself off. He’d pulled me off down a tiny little side hallway people hardly used, and seemed to have resigned himself to holding me while I scrambled to get myself back together. It wasn’t a bad plan.

 

“So, um, this is just—you’re—stressed? Over OWL’s?” He finally asked, careful and tentative. I had managed to stop crying, and now I was just focusing on calming the shaking. I nodded quickly; it was an easy excuse.

 

It was silent for a time after that, where Teddy just held me, and I tried to remember how to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I have to thank all of my lovely, patient, beautiful readers. You guys are the best, seriously (siriusly)! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and are excited for more :)


	13. Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was just this: tears, slipping noiselessly down my face, one after the other, and it was so maddening because this seemed like the umpteenth time I found myself crying, with no memory of the transition. There was no moment in between, no shake in my chest that told me tears were coming. It was just nothing, and then red cheeks and swollen eyes and a lump in my throat.
> 
>  
> 
> Because of Briar. Always, always because of bloody Briar.

         November faded into December far quicker than was usual. Typically, my school years seemed to stretch out into infinity. I would count down the days till winter break with baited breath and desperation. But this year? This year I was caught in some awkward limbo. I still yearned to leave the halls of Hogwarts for a few blissful weeks, but doing so meant facing my family. It meant seeing my mother, my father, and pretending I was not, well…tainted. Not to mention hiding Teddy and my fledgling relationship from the shrewd eyes of Nana Molly.

 

         The biggest thing I was looking forward to? Easier dates with Teddy. It was not at all uncommon for the two of us to sneak off into town during the holidays. At least then we wouldn’t have to sneak down into the kitchens after curfew, which was what we had done tonight.

 

         “Seriously, Vic, you’d better start planning my funeral,” Teddy said, spooning more food onto my plate and ignoring the playful glare I sent his way.

 

         “And why is that? You look pretty chipper to me,” I said, starting in on my third serving of pudding.

 

         “Because your dad is _definitely_ going to kill me when we get back. Look at you! You’re skin and _bones_ , Vic,” his playful tone had tapered off a bit at the end, and I avoided his gaze, studiously staring at my plate. I half expected him to force me to look at him, but thankfully he let the issue go. I struggled to think of something else to say to fill up the silence.

 

         “Well, um—did you get me a Christmas present?” I asked, smiling brightly at him. The tips of his turquoise hair turned scarlet, a fact that I was ridiculously proud of. But then he did that thing where he looked up at me from under his eyelashes, and I blushed too.

 

         “Why? Are you expecting something _special_?” He asked, smirking because he saw my blush and thought it was funny. He liked being able to pull them out of me, seemed to think of it as a game. He’d do it all the time—in the common room, in the Great Hall, in the hallways, anywhere in public. That’s where it was funniest, apparently—in public. And damn him—he knew how to get me to blush. Looking up from under his eyelashes was one of the best ways.

 

         “I— _no_ , I was just asking—” I stuttered and fumbled, looking away and biting my lip—that was one of the ways to get _him_ to blush. From the corner of my eye, I could tell that I’d succeeded.

 

         “I mean, why should it be _special_? It’s not like you’re my—” But Teddy broke off suddenly, his confident swagger leaving him. He looked…shy. Nervous. And he wasn’t meeting my eye.

 

         The air became thick with awkward hesitation.

 

         “We, uh…we haven’t clarified that, have we?” I whispered, heart in my throat. Teddy shook his head, before slowly bringing his gaze up to mine.

 

         “But it’s been—”

 

         “Over a month,” Teddy finished for me, watching me. I knew I was blushing again—those _bloody_ Weasley genes, I swear to Merlin—and I couldn’t stop the shy smile that was creeping over my cheeks.

 

         “Um…Victoire Weasley, would you be my girlfriend? And can I be your boyfriend?” Teddy asked, with a flourish that was ridiculously cute. I giggled—I _never_ used to be a giggling person, I swear!—and nodded furiously. Teddy beamed, leaning across the table to kiss my red cheek before settling back into his chair.

 

         “And yeah, I have your present. It’s definitely _special_.”

 

         There was much giggling and blushing that night, as there often was on our secret kitchen dates. And kissing. Lots of kissing. I never knew what I’d been missing.

 

 

 

 

It was the last day of class before break when everything crashed down around me. I should have expected it. Even though the visits with Briar had been few and far between, of course he wouldn’t let me go off to winter break without _something_. Some sort of goodbye.

 

         I had been so optimistic that I didn’t even pause when class ended; I just gathered my books and got up, completely expecting to leave with Mara. I was thinking of seeing Teddy at lunch, of being able to sit next to him, of his hand on mine under the table. I wasn’t thinking of Briar—until he called my name.

 

         “Victoire, would you mind staying after for a bit longer?” He said, with that easy, charming voice of his that made some of the students around cast me jealous looks. I didn’t know what to do, other than duck my head and mutter, “see you at lunch,” to Mara before she left.

 

         The students trickled out slowly, so slowly. Were they usually this slow? They couldn’t possibly be this slow. It was like everything was happening in slow motion, each second lasting a minute, until—

 

         “Tori, come here,” Briar said once the classroom had emptied. _Deep breath, deep breath_ , I told myself, trying desperately to clear my mind, to think of something mundane, something easy, like the paper I had to write for Defense Against the Dark Arts, or, or— _anything other than this right here._ I thought about the proper way to cast a patronus as I made my way to the front of the room, about bogarts, about hinkypunks and grindylows, anything, anything at all to keep my mind off of—

 

         Briar reached a hand out and grasped my palm. His hand was oddly cold, hard and unyielding as ice. It was nothing like when Teddy held my hand, all warm and sweet, but— _no, no I don’t want to think about Teddy, not right now, not with this._

 

         “I wanted to say goodbye, Tori, a _proper_ goodbye, before you left for break. It’ll be a long time before we see each other again,” he was saying, though the words sounded somewhat distant. His lips were at my ear, brushing against it as he spoke, his breath sending chills down my neck. Teddy would do that, whisper jokes or sweet words into my ear—except his jokes were actually funny, his words actually sweet. They gave me goosebumps, too, but goosebumps that made me blush and giggle, not want to curl into myself and just start crying.

 

         I didn’t want to think of Teddy. Except somehow I couldn’t not think of him.

 

         “I think we’ll be in the clear, after this,” Briar said, pressing a kiss to my temple, a kiss that send shards of ice down my spine, “I think after break we can go back to normal. The Headmistress isn’t suspicious anymore.” And then his kisses started to trail down my face, along my neck, as he made his way towards the spot on my neck he liked, where my robes hid.

 

_The Headmistress isn’t suspicious anymore._

_We can go back to normal._

         My stomach bottomed out. Tears pricked my eyes, tears that I desperately tried to push down. It was hard, though, when I couldn’t stop the thought that said, _Teddy doesn’t kiss like that._ His hands didn’t feel like that. They weren’t rough and brisk, harsh and cruel, holding me still, pushing me down when I couldn’t help but squirm, pulling at my clothes hard enough that I worried they’d tear.

 

         Teddy’s hands didn’t force me. They never forced me. They never touched me with anything other than gentle kindness and warmth. Briar would be angry if he knew what I was thinking. He was always so jealous. He had always hated my friendship with Teddy. If he knew that he was no longer the only one to kiss me? That he was no longer the only one to touch me like that?

 

         A small seed of satisfaction grew in me, nurtured by fear and anger and hopelessness. I was never able to fight back against him. He was too strong, too smart, too good; I was too weak, too stupid, too cowardly. But this, this small rebellion? It felt good.

 

         Not good enough to take away the abject shame and feeling of utter filth that lay thick over my skin once he was done. We rearranged our clothes in silence, my hands shaking so much that the process took far longer than it should have. Finally, though, Briar was kissing me goodbye, wishing me a Happy Christmas, and I was free. Free as I ever was from his touch, his memory, his influence, but free nonetheless. I fled the classroom as fast as I could, heading to the Great Hall with one objective in mind.

 

         Lunch was almost over, but not quite. It was just close enough to being done that most people were clearing out, picking up their bags and heading for their classes. I could see Teddy, though, still sitting at the Gryffindor table. He must have been watching for my entrance; we made eye contact the moment I set foot inside. He offered me a smile, one that I only barely managed to return. It must not have been a very good smile, though, because something in his face changed, shifted, so he looked confused and worried. When I got to him, he held out a sandwich he seemed to have been saving for me.

 

         “Do you want to skip the rest of the day and go hang out in the Room of Requirement?” I blurted, ignoring the proffered sandwich. I didn’t think I would be capable of eating it. Teddy blinked, looking taken aback and slightly bewildered. Not unhappy, though.

 

         “Um, okay,” he said, smiling and standing up. He didn’t put down the sandwich, though, pressing that into my hand along with a few napkins.

 

         “But only if you eat this, okay?” He told me. I might’ve rolled my eyes had I been in a better state of mind. As it was, I could only nod and head for the exit, taking a large bite as I went. It felt like sawdust, and tasted like it too.

 

         “Vic? Vic, what’s going on?” Teddy asked, taking longer strides to catch up with me. He hadn’t expected me to turn so quickly, and he had to hurriedly stuff various books and papers back into his bag before following me. I shook my head, taking another bite of the sandwich and swallowing without chewing. I wasn’t sure I would be able to talk to him if I tried right now. I might just end up dissolving into tears right here if I did. No, I had to wait till we were there before I tried anything.

 

         Teddy fell silent, but I could feel his watchful eyes on me. He wasn’t letting this go, but at least he wasn’t going to interrogate me out in the corridors either.

 

         By the time we actually made it to the Room of Requirement, the sandwich was gone, the bell had rung, and we were both officially late for the classes we weren’t attending. I yanked open the door and strode inside, momentarily surprised to see a different view than the usual one. Instead of a cozy common room, it was a bedroom. A very cozy one, too. The bed had red, silky sheets, and there were a million pillows. It only then that I turned back to Teddy, who was glancing around the room with confusion. He eyed the bed, and then he eyed me.

 

         “What’s going on Vic?” He asked, suspicious. I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. I didn’t have any words prepared, and even if I did, I didn’t think I could say them. They would have been too clunky, too awkward. Instead, I leapt forward to kiss him. This wasn’t exactly without its awkwardness either. He was nine inches taller, so I had to jump a bit to even reach. Teddy, surprised, took a moment before he wrapped his arms around me, supporting me there. I could tell he was still confused, but he went with it, kissing me back full and strong, kissing away the feel of Briar that was still on my lips.

 

         Bumbling and fumbling, I managed to turn him around, pushing him towards the bed until we fell back on it.

 

         “Vic, what—” Teddy gasped out between kisses, “—what’s going on? Are you okay?” I shook my head, ignoring his words in favor of kissing him more. Nervousness spiraled in my gut, though it wasn’t as strong as the determination.

 

         I was going to take this first away from Briar. I was going to. I had to.

 

         It was when I started pulling at his tie that Teddy broke the kiss, bringing his hands up to stop my own. Even then, he was gentle. Firm, but gentle. Everything was so different from Briar, and the infuriating truth was that it made me want to cry.

 

         “Vic, stop! Vic, Vic, c’mon, what’s going on?” He demanded, putting some more space in between us so that he could see my face. I didn’t meet his eyes. I didn’t think I could, if I wanted to keep a hold on myself. My hands were starting to shake where he still held them, slowly pushing them away so they sat between us.

 

         “Vic,” Teddy repeated, softer now than before. Worried. Concerned. He didn’t think I was okay. He knew I wasn’t okay. And I didn’t know what to do with that. I didn’t know what to do with the gratitude for this truth, the fact that he knew me enough to know I was not okay, even though it probably wasn’t that hard to figure that out right now. I didn’t know what to do with this, especially because I did not want anyone to know that I was not okay.

 

         I was staring at Teddy’s tie. I thought he might have been talking, but I couldn’t hear him. Everything seemed very fuzzy, very odd. Like the world was slightly out of focus.

 

         “Vic!” Teddy said, loud and firm in my ear. It jerked my attention up to him, so our eyes met. His eyes were wide, full of alarm and confusion and concern, and the gold that was always intertwined with all the brown seemed to glow. He opened his mouth, looking like he was going to say something, before closing it again. One of his hands reached up suddenly, touching my cheek, and it was only then that I realized I was crying. They weren’t loud cries, none of those hard sobs that rack your body. It was just this: tears, slipping noiselessly down my face, one after the other, and it was so maddening because this seemed like the umpteenth time I found myself crying, with no memory of the transition. There was no moment in between, no shake in my chest that told me tears were coming. It was just nothing, and then red cheeks and swollen eyes and a lump in my throat.

 

         Because of Briar. Always, always because of bloody Briar.

 

         “Vic, I—what was this?” Teddy asked, voice soft now that he had my attention, “what’s wrong?” But I couldn’t speak. And even if I could, I had no answer that I could give him. But he saw that, saw enough of an answer in my eyes that he nodded, once. Then he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him, my head laying heavy against his chest.

 

         “I don’t know for sure what this is about, but,” Teddy sighed, pausing to press his lips to the top of my head. I closed my eyes, feeling a warmth spread through me, lovely and luxurious. “I care about you. I love you. A whole bloody lot, okay?” Teddy went on with a rough chuckle.

 

         “Don’t think you have to—to _do_ anything to keep me around, right?” He said, halting and nervous, unsure of the conclusion he had come to for himself. I felt my cheeks heat up, but it wasn’t like I was going to correct him or anything. I just nodded into his chest.

 

         Here, Teddy pulled back to look at me.

 

         “I’m going to go, okay? I love you,” he said again, staring into my eyes. He had very beautiful eyes.

 

         “I love you too,” I croaked around the lump in my throat. A small smile turned up the corner of his mouth, and he bent to kiss me, soft and quick. And then he stood up, gently moving me so I lay on the bed, smiled at me, and left the room.

 

         Then I turned, and slowly fell to pieces all over those lovely red silk sheets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you guys! I can't promise that I will be able to keep this up, but I'm going with the momentum while it's here. Enjoy! Tell me what you think!


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